I just don't have the words, or the heart at the moment to really get into more depth than that...needless to say, I just feel that everything is wrong, nothing works, its all a complete lie, my entire life, my entire being..I feel like I am no good at anything, not being a Mother, not being a Wife, not being a daughter, not being a friend, not even being a human being...
I'm tired of being let down, I'm tired of other people walking around with seemingly normal happy lives trampling over others and nothing is said, it doesnt seem to bother other people, but for me, it totally bothers me, and I get told 'you take things too personally' ' don't stress' , ' so what who cares' ' it doesnt bother me - why does it bother you'
Its like I see the world one way, I see all these truly awful things, I see the way people treat other people and its like i watch through a movie camera or something because no one else seems to see it but me...and if (and I do often) point it out I am somehow the bad guy and somehow everything ends up being my fault , and then I get told that I get too involved, and somehow the people in the wrong seem to be the hero's and I end up looking like the baddie - again...how does it all get turned around on me ?
How do people get away with stuff ? but yet if I do the very same thing, I would be chastized in a heartbeat.
How do people walk around hurting other people and its like water off a ducks back, but yet when I get involved, when I Step up to the plate and take responsibility and say hey thats not right , I get mud slung at me ?
How come I see other people doing EXACTLY what I am accused of doing at times and yet thats perfectly fine for them ..........
I don't understand it . I don't understand why no one seems to give a damn.
Back to being the wrong me...I know in my heart there is nothing to say that if I had of stayed with my first mother in England that my life would be better, in fact given the circumstances , my life could have been a lot LOT worse, but I still feel robbed, cheated of a heritage and an entire family.
Im nothing like my adoptive family, and since my adoptive mother died its abundantly clear that she was the glue that held the family together, or rather MADE The family stay together.
I maybe see my adoptive brothers once a year (if that)
Some family hey...
But hell it could have been a lot worse, and I know that, I bet there are lots of people in the world that wish their only problem was being ignored from their family.
And logically I KNOW that, but it really doesn't stop the emotional side of me from feeling what it feels