The Stigma that IS Adoption

Whilst watching Dexter from Sunday night that we had recorded, the episode in which Dexter finds out that he has a biological brother that he had erased from his memory since the age of three due to his mothers horrendous murder in front of him..who in fact turns out to be the ice truck killer..
My husband and I were commenting on it all when my husband, the man who understands the pain of adoption and how it has affected me, turned to me and said

But shes not his REAL Sister

In reference to his adopted sister Deb.

This is a person who has read The Primal Wound and Coming home to self , This is a man who has met my biological cousin and totally gets the whole identity issue I have lived with my entire life until I met my cousin. This is the man who loves me with all his heart and would never purposely hurt me like that but yet those words still came tumbling out of his mouth...and he didn't even realize , until I said Geeze...What hope is there if you can say stuff like that when you get *it* when you get how adoption hurts.

Of course he said he was sorry, but I still don't think he really got why I was upset.

But it just opens up a deep painful cavern within me that I am not real.

It would appear that nothing to do with being adopted is real.

It would appear that its only real when you are biologically related. Except then more often than not the other biological relations want to pretend that *YOU* are not real....

ETA: As a side note and lets not forget what this show *Dexter* is about ... a serial killer of killers, who just happens to be adopted. Why make him adopted ? doesnt this just add to the illusion out there that adoptees are all pyschos ?

When ever we are watching a show, be it a series or film, and something *disturbing* comes up , I say to my husband "Oh don't tell me, wait , I'll bet their adopted ( or fostered etc) and most times its right on the money...

So I'd love to hear from the prospective adoptive parents and adoptive parents out there , what do you think of that then ?? That it is a known perception that people think of adoptive people as nuts, pyscho etc...or do you think it wont happen to you ? ie you wont raise a monster ?

By the way I love Dexter, I also love CSI's Crimminal Intents etc..........makes you wonder doesnt it ?

But wait I can hear it now...when I say that I was lucky that I had loving parents that didnt ignore me , and think me too hard, and push me away......yes I can hear it - You SHOULD BE GRATEFUL then...

Yeah Ok right

More Vileness

I'm sick of being nice.

Whilst reading a prospective adoptive parents blog I came across the following statement

"We've decided to take an optional class to pass the time"

They threw in at the end about learning about the situations that may arise. The course was all about the psyche of the adopted persons mind - like we are something fucking different. Along the lines of an alien perhaps. ?

But whatever its so insulting to read people writing this crap.

Oh and the upshot ? they didn't even bother going. One of them was sick.

If I was going to adopt a child, and even if I wasn't feeling that great I would be going. Err Mind you I would NEVER Go to a class like that , that sure isn't going to help parent a child that is adopted, and number two well I would never adopt !

These sort of self entitled written blogs make me want to puke.

And then they have the Audacity to spew vile hatred at me anonymously. I haven't even linked to them , or named and shamed them.. I could have , but thats not my thing, I just want people to STOP and Listen, and perhaps open their minds.

Jamie Oliver wants a boy..............

VOMIT

Chef Jamie Oliver considers adoption

Because Ange and Brad *the legendary adopters* besides of course Madonna, are doing such a noble and self sacrificing thing, Jamie has decided to follow suit.

The article states that he and his wife are desperate for a sibling for their two daughters and he was quoted as saying " If I cant produce a boy I will have to adopt one. I would consider it."

Like Oh well I can't have Mozzarella I'll settle for Cheddar on this pizza that I am making.

Does anyone else see how demoralizing and degrading that is to read ? I am sure there will be those who will scoff at my saying that, thinking that there is nothing wrong with that statement, but that is because you do not see how offensive it is.

I have to say, Jamie dont put yourself out man, no kid wants to be adopted begrudgingly second choice.

Counting Down for Peace.....

Last Blog Blast for Peace I wrote these same following words for blog blast for peace, I thought this time I would like to do a different post , but really there are no other words that say it better than this..so Ive changed the date, Ive changed my countdown (last times was here)

My Peace Globe was on this post


Mimi I take my hat off to you, you are truly inspirational...Mimi's first peace words can be found here

And then on to the official Peace blog click HERE

Do YOU have your Peace Globe in ?

Do YOU have your Peace Globe Banner Flying ?

Do YOU have a Peace Post happening ?

No ? Then I urge you to all do so, and hurry because time is running out Tick Tock Tick Tock....

On the 6th November Display YOUR Globe in a Blog Post

Be sure to Title your post "Dona Nobis Pacem".

This is important.

The goal is for all blog post titles to say the same thing on the same day.

Write about peace that day or simply fly your globe............................

We All Need a little Peace in our Lives, but we ALL need PEACE Around the Globe...

Some come on Bloggers Unite and Hurry, get your Globe on....


PS: Have been on holidays so hence the *quietness* around here :)

Fathers Day

Today is Fathers Day.

My dad, the one I have called dad since I could open my mouth is the most wonderful dad on the face of this earth.
He has been through everything with me, and he dotes on my children.
He is the most loving , kind and unselfish man I know.

He did keep a secret from me. With my Mum (may she rest in peace) He is old now, despite being super healthy and fit, leading a active lifestyle.

But I know that what he did all those years ago, was for, and in my best interest then and undoubtedly at my mothers urging and the adoption agency/churches urging.

I love him with all my heart, nothing and no one will ever change that. Hell I got married on his birthday to honor him.

Somewhere out there is another man, who has my DNA, and I his, and my children his, and he knows nothing of me, or them.

Don't you think that is sad ? What if hes always longed to be a dad, and for whatever reason has not been...but yet he is..he is my Dad.

Well this is for you too, Happy Fathers Day to you ....I hope one day, someway, somehow through a miracle, I will find you...............

And as an edit to this post , some time later I have decided to add these details...

In March / April 1966, in Portsmouth did you, have sexual relations with a woman named Mary ? You are either Italian or a English Naval man, You would be over 6ft with Black hair.
She was only a petite thing with huge brown eyes...she may have gone by another name too.....

If this rings any bells, please contact me, there is a mail box top left hand corner of my blog click it to email me....
I do not want anything from you except to know of you, to know my heritage , of course if you want more I would be open to that as well..

A miracle is what is needed.......to find this man (needle in a haystack) .......I do not even have a name :(

I DON'T HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW ?

Today whilst reading a lovely first mums blog, I came across a link to an adoptees blog who had written this post Adoptees Listen up I started to write a comment but realized it was going to be a long one, and that I really felt that I needed a blog post about it on my own blog to say "I have to say I don't agree."

But as one poster commented , whilst there may not be a *legal* right which of course is right, there is a moral right. That I do believe.

When you choose a path that is going to ultimately hurt someone that is a part of you, and their life course change forever, whether you were a willingly participant in that hurt and and change or not,( ie The BSE mums were not WILLING but my Mother was.) Then you absolutely do have a responsibility to tell that person why...why..their life was changed.

My Mother in 1967 was prepared to hand me to a woman she met in a bank if the church adoption agency did not find foster care for me (before being adopted) ie she didn't even want me for the weeks preceding finding a permanent home for me (ugh home for me sounds like some stray animal)

I have hurt and wondered all my life as to the ins and outs and the whys, why was I adopted, why was I given up. Then of course I had the whole fantasy going on about how she would some rich royal that had to let me go lest the shame upon the family, but that she was secretly searching for me, and just as soon as I put my name down we would be reunited BAH yeah ok as I said FANTASY.

It seems that people on all sides of the triad are still willing to live with secrets and lies. What purpose does this serve ?

The truth eventually ALWAYS comes out. Why not tell the truth now whilst you can, whilst people are still here, for when they are gone its no use weeping upon their grave telling them.

Its Too Late.

People are far too frightened of the truth than they are of secrets and lies. But it is the secrets and lies that hurt the most.

The old saying "the truth shall set you free" is one that is accurate.

As far as openly saying to another's face "I have a right to know" well that is a different kettle of fish. Because that is in itself quite an aggressive statement. Whilst I do believe that "I have a right to know" is true, using those words would need to be said at a carefully chosen time. Certainly at the beginning of a reunion is not really the ideal time to blurt those words out..But if an adoptees mother was avoiding, and non communicative and showing no sign of being forthcoming during the relationship, then yes, putting those words out there would be a natural progression.

After all in any relationship isn't that what is wanted ? whether it be from a partner , a friend or anyone...don't we all want open and honest relationships ?
Does being an adoptee or first Mother give you a get out of jail card free, from the responsibility of an open and honest relationship ?

No, I don't think so.

In fact it is even more important because of the trust that has been severed.,

In regards to "I was adopted" as opposed to "I am adopted" I have to say again I disagree. Nothing short of the adoption being annulled and my OBC having the word ADOPTED removed is ever going to change that fact.

Triggers

Thank you for your comments on my post The Woman with my eyes

Im still in tears today. For some reason this adoption pain seems to go in cycles

There was a show the other night in Australia called All Saints, which had a episode regarding adoption and it hurt to watch it a lot, because she rejected her child also.

It hurt because If they do another follow up episode to it, I know that it will be one where they reunite happily forever after.

I think it sent off a thousand triggers in me

The show was doubly sad because a wonderful man Mark Priestly who portrayed *Dan* on the show committed suicide

Ive started writing a letter to her. But it has started all nice and then started to get angrier as i write, not with her , with adoption.
I dont know, part of me wants to be the pleasing adoptee, not saying anything wrong, but I just cant, I need to let her know how much i hurt. I need to let her know that i dont blame her. I need to let her know that her pain wont go away until she forgives herself and lets me into her heart.

I just Need her....

The woman with my eyes...

Its a DNA kind of thing. Its one thing thats very predominant. The eyes.

We are all Brown eyes and large wide beautiful eyes. My Natural family and I.
Its the one thing people notice of me first

My Eyes.

They do say that the eyes are the windows to the soul...

So the entire family are brown eyed...

I think my father must be blue eyed and very tall. Because although my children have my large beautiful eyes they are not brown.

They do not come from me, they do not come from their father.

I think they come from their grandfather.

Gosh...

Their Grandfather. A Man they will never (in all likelyhood) ever know. A man that will never (in all likelyhood) never know of their existence.

He must be very tall. Well i know that much . It was all she remembered. It was all that was documented . Black Hair. Over 6ft Tall. (something else they have inherited from him)

But in another country on the other side of the world sits a woman with my eyes. And as I sit here (again) tears streaming as I think about her, wondering if she ever sits and thinks or cries about me, I cry just that bit harder, because I know she does not.

As I sit here thinking about my son, her grandson, her only grandson, that she will not know.
I cry just a bit harder..

Because right now you are on the other side of the world not caring about me at all, but you have my eyes, and I yours..

I wish you had my heart

Your Daughter