Why is it so ?

Why is it that words can hurt so very much or words can make you happy

Why is it that words make me cry.

Someone can just say one little sentence and I will be a blubbering mess from either the niceness of it or the nastyness.

Yesterday (when i started this post) it was the niceness..The Kindness..Thank you P

Icons of Reflection

myspace layout

Hmmmm a Triple

myspace graphics

Its a Double Icon Day

Aint that the fucking truth

myspace backgrounds

Icons of Reflection

myspace graphics

Icons of Reflection

Geeze its been a while since I did one of these

So todays Icon of Reflection is.......

free myspace layouts

I'm Obsessed And Why ?

I am, I am Obsessed about Adoption. Its RIDICULOUS. Its got to a stage where that is ALL I DO. I write on my blog, I read other blogs, I read forums
I cant stop thinking about it, all I do is ADOPTION
Its driving me nutso why am I so obsessed about it. ?

And then the other thing I am wondering is why no comments on my blog ? Is it that boring ?
This week so far I have had 61 visits with 105 pages viewed with ZERO Comments....
I speak from the heart...I just don't understand it

Adoption Is Selfish (Supply = Demand)

Agree with Me
Disagree with Me
I don't give a Damn
Well actually thats not correct I do, But I am trying not to

I am hurting so badly at the moment, I'm drowning in waves and waves of rejection. Its threatening to engulf me. I'm struggling to stay afloat

What am I supposed to do ? How I am supposed to FIX this ? the more I try to fix things the worse it becomes. The more I try to dig myself out the deeper I get.

Why is it that someone can do the EXACT same thing as me but is a hero ? and I am to be sent to purgatory ?
Why is it that someone can echo my very own words but "tsk tsk Jane shame on you"

Why is it that this keeps on happening to me ?

Someone I know from being online who lives on the other side of the world to me spoke of the words "being a victim" I get slapped with that all the time. I get told
"stop being the victim"
"your life is as you choose it"
" You are what you make of it"
"you are the only one that can fix it"
"you choose to be this way"

I have heard it so many times along with being told its all about "Me, Me, Me," as in *Me*

Sometimes I sit and think omg I'm doing it again, it is all about me...I start to discount myself, I start to judge myself, I start to doubt myself....It makes me feel crazy....

Why is this happening to me? How did I get here ? How did I end up getting rejected so many times that I just went into *trigger* hell ? You start out on one path.........and somehow something changes and bam you are embroiled in this emotional minefield, 'WATCH OUT' Oops sorry too late you just stepped on a big old "blew up in your face" drama A G A I N

Adoption is selfish.

Adoption is all about those people who so desperately want a baby, want ANOTHER baby, that they scour the earth for that newborn baby...Im not talking about the people that save children from foster care and raise them as their own and give them a life they would otherwise have not have, I'm not talking about the people that adopt a orphan, that would have otherwise been thrown into foster care...I'm talking about those people that prey on the mother that is pregnant and scared , vulnerable, confused , or unsure about what direction to take....

Ever heard of the saying SUPPLY = DEMAND ? well its true because if there were not so many damn people demanding a NEW BORN BABY to adopt there would be less Women giving the *Supply* up.....

Adoption is Selfish, A newborn baby misses out on his/her mothers milk, to give all the many benefits attached with breastfeeding from HER Bosom...

Adoption is Selfish, A newborn baby misses out on his /her mothers touch & smell, to give the many endorphins experienced through a mothers touch & smell..

Adoption is Selfish, A Newborn baby no longer hears his/her mothers voice that calmed and soothed him/her for 9months in the womb

Adoption is Selfish, A Newborn baby starts to learn that he/she must survive on his/her own from the moment he/she is snatched from his/her mothers arms...

Adoption is Selfish, A Newborn baby will NEVER Again Trust anyone (not 100% truly)

Adoption is Selfish, A Newborn baby will NEVER Break like that again, given that adoption is the WORST possible thing he/she will go through

Many will not see it that way, as in Non Adopted people, Adoptive Parents, Some Relinquishing Parents and perhaps the odd smattering of adoptees, but for the majority of Adoptees it will ring true....

I breastfed both my babies, they are now healthier and less prone to being sick than non breastfed babies (in my opinion and my experience) .... but I on the other hand missed out on being breastfed as a baby, I never got the benefit of Breastmilk, I never got the benefit of the endorphins that surge through Mother and baby from it, and I never got the benefit of the bonding that comes with Breastfeeding. Anyone can Bottle feed a baby ONLY A Baby's Natural Mother can Breastfeed Him/her the Milk that was designed for him/her...There is NO ONE Else in the world, not a wet nurse , not a adoptive mother who has decided to re lactate with the help of re lactation drugs...no one can ever give that baby his/her mothers milk made for him/her

I co sleep with my babies, I have my babies close to me all the time and as such I have confident , high self esteemed children , not afraid of the dark, not afraid of *things* unlike myself who despite having the most loving adoptive parents I still had horrifying nightmares that SCREAMED The house down, I still Slept walk, I still talked in my sleep...and to this day I'm afraid of my own shadow in the night...

Oh yes Adoption is Selfish...

And I will NEVER Forgive it

Smile

I'm just loving Lily Allen, I'm sure its to do with my pommy roots, because there is plenty of UK singers that hit the right note with me..including if you look back one of my fave all timers no matter how BAD she is, Amy Winehouse.............If only I could carry off 'bad' as good as she does I would be happy

Just about how I feel !!!

What? Is that all you've got to say?
What? What? You're rubbing me the wrong way
See your lips moving
But I don't catch a word you say
Shut up your chatter
I need for you to go away, uh huh

[ CHORUS ]
And all I hear is ay ya ya ya ya
You're talking way too much
I can't even hear me now
All your noise is messing with my head
You're in my head
Get outta my head

Outta my, outta my head
Want you outta my head
Outta my, outta my head
Get outta my head
Outta my outta my head
Want you outta my head
Outta my, outta my head
That's what I said

What you looking at me for huh?
Show me respect or I will show you the door (Get out that door)
Lately, I've got a problem with the way that you behave
You're too much, and all your questions don't leave me no time for me, ha ha ha

[REPEAT CHORUS X2]

All your opinions, keep them to yourself
Just let me think so I can hear myself
Wouldn't it be nice if I could just go solo, take the day off?
I'd be alright if you would leave me to it, back the fuck off.
Ay ya ya ya ya
You're talking way too much
You tell me one more time how I should live
I swear I'll bite your head off
I am who I am And I can't be no one else
You got nothing left to say
Keep your comments to yourself
Awww!

Outta my, outta my head
Want you outta my head
Outta my, outta my head
Get outta my head
Outta my outta my head
Want you outta my head
Outta my, outta my head

I'm just terribly sad :(

Sigh...
I don't know what else to write...I don't know what else to say or do. It just doesn't seem to ever change.
I cant Let go.
Something recently happened in my online life and my real non online life. Worlds apart but the feelings result in the same -
R E J E C T I O N
The absolute worst nightmare of my life is having people back away from me..It hurts like hell..and the more they back off the more I chase and then the more they back off, and then I end up paralyzed with fear
It can be different circumstances, different people, but the end result is always the same.
I'm sitting here now writing this and the tears just keep on coming.
How do I make people see ? How do I make people understand me. To know that N O T H I N G I ever do is from malice or illwill, that anything I do is out of thoughtfulness and care. That my reactions to situations are from fear and frustration and never anything else.

But no Matter how hard I try I come back to this god damn awful place again.

And It Just hurts, it hurts so much, it just feels like someone has reached in and grabbed my heart and is twisting it inside me.

I hate this place. I hate being in this place. This sadness that engulfs me. I'm so very tired of it.

And then a new day will come, and I will be given a titbit of niceness from someone, a kind word from someone, some self esteem will come back, my heart will heal 'just a little' and it will be enough to get me over another sad day / hour / moment in my life.until the next one..

Is this how I'm supposed to live my life ?

Why do people have to hurt me so much ? why cant they just be honest from the start ?

I'm a successful, articulate business woman who has since *retired* into full time maternity leave raising two children in my early 40's, I can open and run an online store, I can open and run a Bricks and Mortar Store, I can put together a Feast for 16 people from Hordouvers through to Coffee & Cognacs, I can solve other people's problems, I can keep a house spick and span, I can solve CSI and other Crime shows and riddles, I can do all that and more but why is it that I can NOT solve my own life problems ?

And why is it that when ever I go out on a limb ,put my head on the chopping block yet again, that i end up being the one covered in shit ?

Why dont I just shut up, mind my own god damn business ? let someone else stick their neck out?

I have no clue as to the answer to that, because if I did I wouldn't be the sad pathetic creature I am today..

Aniston Adds A 150 000 Pounds Nursery for Baby BOY !

Jennifer Adds a 150,000 POUNDS Nursery for prospective baby boy

"A source of the single Friends actress claims she has chosen a baby boy from an adoption agency based in LA. "

Ah to be a celebrity to have gossipers at the ready to sell you out - ICK

And ICK To Aniston for trying to fill the void left by Brad and Vince......

I Understand the desire to have a baby but I dont understand the way celebs go about it, But I guess its true Money can buy anything these days

Being Adopted And Being A Mother

I've thought a lot about this lately, just from various conversations and observations...

When I was pregnant with my daughter I belonged to a Parenting birth and baby board in the USA, they talked about co-sleeping, and baby wearing and attachment parenting amongst other things.
I remember raising my eyebrow, as I ticked off mentally what I would be doing...

1Breastfeeding
2 Possible Baby Wearing
3. Not Circumcising if I was to have a boy
4 Being with baby as much as possible

Attachment parenting encompasses in the main

1 Extended Breastfeeding
2 Baby Wearing
3 Co-Sleeping
4. Not Vaccinating
5. Not Circumcising
6 Being with baby as much as possible

After I had my daughter and she was separated from me for 2 nights in the ICU and upon our return to home, I laid her down in her bassinet next to the bed, and i tossed and turned and kept getting up and down to look at her..
I turned to my husband, and he said bring her to bed with you..

So I did and there she remained for 18mths...

I breastfed, and would have extended breastfed if she had continued but something traumatic in my life happened and she ceased at 7 mths

I carried her around in a carrier as much as possible and of course Circumcising didn't come into it as she was a she and not a he...

The only thing I did not do regarding AP Style of parenting was not to vaccinate, I researched it and researched it and chose to vaccinate in the best interest of my child....and the children that are also around my child. The pros far outweighed the cons on this one, and despite all the hype about certain areas of vaccinations, Here in Australia our laws are super strict and I felt that the vaccines that we are using are safe, certainly safer than the alternative, Awful sickness, missing limbs, deformities, or worse Death....

I and our whole family also get a flu injections, so yes I am Pro Vaccinations, and did extensive research into it like everything else for my babies.

Then my next baby was a boy, I did all the above except this time Circumcision was in the equation and of course this was never going to be a issue, I am very strongly ANTI Circumcision
There is not a lot of things I would say I am ANTI on but this is one I feel very strongly about ( I will do a separate blog post)

SO there you have it 99 percent Attachment Parenting style for me. I believe strongly that the child is first.
I waited a long time to have a child, finding the right man ..so certainly I was not about to have a baby and then go dump it at daycare or off at the in laws whilst I jetted about. I also wasnt about to stick the baby down the other end of the house in a strange unfamiliar place...hence the co sleeping...

I have Extremely self confident , self assured , strong children, my first started kindy this year and has zero anxiety issues, zero attachment problems, she sleeps in her own bed all the night through and is a happy go lucky child.
Number two has no issues if I have to leave him for a hour or two...

I strongly believe that Attachment Parenting is a wonderful way to Parent and lets face it the European countries certainly have been doing it for years...as well as many other cultures, its only the western world that seems to have issues with such closeness and *weirdity* yes I have had quite a few offer me their words of wisdom...

So Are you adopted and embrace Attachment Parenting ? I've done a poll for just this so please vote and please leave a comment..

Oh and the best thing I could possibly think of for an adopted child...(apart from being with their mother in an ideal world) would be to be embraced in the Attachment style of Parenting...
Of course there is the issue Of breastfeeding, but certainly the fundamental aspects of attachment parenting as the name would suggest would be "attaching" yourself as an adopted parent to your child...and one of the definite s would be DON'T Circumcise your adopted baby boy..

Adoption brings so much trauma to a infant, don't add to that by taking away this baby's part of himself, let him decide when he is a man if he wishes to change himself physically..
I will do as I said a separate post on Circumcision but I really wanted to get the message out there to adopted parents don't add to the baby's trauma of adoption by having him circumcised as well.

Turn 40 and Adopt a Baby !

Yep, thats right , whats the right time to have a baby ? Why when you turn 40 and you also time line a boob job into the equation as well...

Well thats what the buzz is on Jennifer Aniston

Dam I've also liked this girl, but frankly her cry of adopting a baby BOY just to Fill a void in her life which is just an opinion, is sad, very sad indeed..

Yes According to THIS ARTICLE

She intends on adopting a baby boy, no mention of a girl, just a boy..

Of course this is all heresay of what a friend told the *enquirer* rag so maybe its all rubbish
But with the wave of celeb adpoptions of 3rd world country children...its most likely not

Very Dissapointed if this is true Jen...

Well Okay then !!!!

Whilst Looking at who at been on my blog, on my stats web page I was led to google - adoptedjane and one of the googles was this little number YIKES THIS IS NOT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME

This has been a public service announcement

!!!!

Okay slightly paranoid now is someone taking the mick ?

Are you wondering ?

Are you wondering about the change of pace on my blog ?

Well wonder no more...A Very Lovely woman that I know deserves some substantial support and love at the moment.
She doesnt live in the same country that I do, we even have a few radically opposing ideas about some things, but there are some fundamental things that are the same, we are both adoptees, we both have children, we are both passionate, we are both extreme, we have a lot in common....anyway this woman is a lovely beautiful person and something recently has happend to make me want to outstretch my hand and hold her tight, and tell her everything will be alright....
And in doing so, I just want to show her my support for everything she does..

So yes I have decided to get a little philosophical and start to talk about adoption on a different level


((((((((((((((Hugs to you my beautiful friend))))))))))))))))

Conflict in Adoption - Whats New..........s

Well we all know that there is conflict in adoption, conflict of the correct terminology to use, conflict of the mother giving up her rights to her child, conflict in the said child's life over the course of time, conflict of the adoptive parent wondering why their adoptive child is acting out..So much conflict that the therapists , counselors, psychologists offices must be rubbing their hands with glee, just another spin of the money making machine known as adoption hey ?

But whilst *digging* around in the latest news today for my Digg sector, I came across these two articles..and well, I'll let them speak for themselves about the conflict of them..

Give adoptees access to their birth records

Sounds fair and reasonable RIGHT ? ALL Adoptees the world over should HAVE Access to their birth records, it was after ALL THEIR BIRTH, RIGHT ??

But then this from an adoptee named Megan Bakaitis

Oppose proposal about adoptee birth certificates

Now this woman has said and I quote

"God has a plan for families. Children should be nurtured in loving homes by a father and a mother who are also husband and wife. ``Redefining kinship,'' as advocated by the some of these groups, is a dangerous thing.

Furthermore, to obtain one's original birth certificate is not a civil or human right.

Because I don't believe in the basic goals of ``adoption rights'' organizations, I cannot and will not support their political agendas, including open records for all adoptees."

That she has said all this AFTER She has *reunited* and REMAINS *reunited* with her Mother who gave birth to her and they still correspond and visit each other and not only that but the whole reunion was 'satisfying' for her...( I should be so lucky)

That she 'tried" to obtain her OBC (original birth certificate) but that she was denied but why the hell would she care ? she has got her reunion, she has got her 'satisfaction' she has for all intense purposes found her roots and her self..

BUT What Megan Bakaitis about all those other poor sods out there who NEED Their Original OBC To even 'begin' their search ? did you think about that ? What about them ?

No sorry but your views are antiquated and self serving and certainly NOTHING To do with GOD

The Associated Press: Adoption Problems in Other Countries

The Associated Press: Adoption Problems in Other Countries

Some Interesting to insights into the problems finally starting to show through the cracks with international adoptions, with what appears and what is hoped stricter and tighter rules

Blogger in Draft (Technical Blog post)

Just thought I might post about this fantastic new feature BLOGGER IN DRAFT
because its pretty impressive and deserves a mention.
Its easy to use, its so easy to navigate and its got some great new gadgets that I Love
I've turned on the Blog roll which is fab, giving a title of the latest post, and when it was updated, you can switch on the icon and even get snippets included if you want

I've also run a couple of polls which are simple and clean to use

I've also adopted (that word just HAS To come into everything doesn't it ?) the Subscription Feed so now people can subscribe and get auto updates to either new posts or comments or BOTH.

I've also added "Search this blog" what a Great little feature this is, you can search my blog, or the web, or from being linked or Favorite Adoption Links.

So yes so far from what I have seen its Pats on the Back all round to those at Blogger Congrats on the new Blogger Draft ....

You can find all the latest news about it here at Blogger In Draft Blogspot

Such a Fault

It is such a fault of mine to stick my neck on the chopping block over and over again. Why do I do it ? is it that deep rooted need that I must win people over? but some how in my screwed up psyche Ive ended up so intent that they believe me or I will fall apart..that if they don't like me , if they don't believe me , if they don't *get me* Its the end of the world, and at that moment in that precision of time IT IS. Somehow I need to get PAST that so I can objectively look at the situation and then make a move..

I've recently been on a forum with other like minded people as in adoptees, and its been great because WOW they are like me in so many ways but still I just cant seem to STOP.
Recently there was this person, this person said that their birth mother was dying in another country, Somehow it ended up that donations were made via paypal...I was ALWAYS skeptical but Said nothing....because of the exact reason of what has now happened..the other day this person popped in saying time was running out and they didn't have enough money..
Another person said why don't you get credit or find anyway to get there, well I just took the bull by the horns and dove in head first..This is why people don't interfere isnt it? this is why people shallowly say "I don't want to get involved"...The world would be a better place if more people DID Involve themselves..maybe this person is adopted , maybe this person has mental problems because of it, hell I have enough emotional ones myself from being adopted, just not this type of one..

Anyway I let fly, and I've since found more stuff that disproves a lot of what they have said but no one wants to know, so I have been silenced and its just churning me up inside..HOW PATHETIC....a complete stranger who has I believe (and plenty of others do) ripped off some really good decent fellow adoptees of their hard earned dollars ,and its churning me up...I was awake tossing and turning half the night stressing about it..How sad is that..that i am worrying about other people that are on the other side of the world that i don't even know who certainly wouldn't reciprocate and lose sleep over me as nice as they might be.

How people can live with doing this to other decent people. no natter what the emotional, psychological reason is that drives them to lie and hell steal, I dont understand..they mentioned they would return peoples money but My guess is its all been spent.
What truly upsets me the most is that I look like the idiot, and have argued and fought and been told off.....and this person is still around carrying on as if nothing had ever happened, but I've done what I do best and RUN...but without the big announcement this time.I seriously feel like "the boy who cried wolf" most of my life..I just wish I could stop throwing tantrums...because I could just stand my ground and say what i think and then leave it but I get so enraged and outraged at things and my heart just takes over my brain..
Logically i know the flaws that let me down, but emotionally FUCK its a complete warzone.
I know I dont have a split personality but it sure as hell feels that way at times.
I just want so much to be loved and LIKED and it hurts like hell when people dont like me and its not that i dont like other people having an opinion..its just that I seem to take it personally that they are *anti me* if they have a different opinion..
Its like I HAVE to make them SEE IT MY WAY..

I get so worked up, especially when i know I am in the right and they wont or cant see it...that then its me that comes off looking the lunatic..

I'm worried about how I am going to be in the future, hell if I am over 40 now and am still having issues with getting along with people and pissing them off and pushing them away and feeling this constant need to defend myself and my actions then what hope for any happiness do I have ? I cant believe that I was put on this earth just to be unhappy the entire time.

I should NEVER have been adopted and removed from MY Family. Sure maybe I would have less than what i have now, maybe i would be freezing my ass off in England, and not have had the opportunities I have had here, but I would not be this emotionally inept person....
However I would not have my beautiful children and that saddens me to think of that - so either way I LOSE :(

Secrets & Lies Part 2

So everything should be good from here on in right ? we are in *reunion* right? its all going to be perfect, I've found my mummy and god a sister AS Well...

WRONG

No sorry there will be no fairytale ending for you.....

Life goes on, My mum, the one who adopted me dies, I get Married and start a family and some where in amongst all this my life goes to hell...
Well my Mums not supposed to die, she's not supposed to Leave me :( There was no preperation, there was no letter left to me telling me all the things that she couldnt face telling me when she was alive, there was no preparation because she didn't want to face she was dying, which I understand completely but still, I really needed to have something....

And in all amongst this pain, my Mother you know the one who gave me up for adoption, is delaying telling my sister about me..and so I do what I do best, I tiptoe around her for fear of losing her...I push a little, she backs up so I BEG and say sorry and I Shut up for a while and then I ask again..
There was always a excuse, first my sister was pregnant, and it could cause a miscarriage, then it was she had the baby, then it was she was back at work and had a baby, then it was shes not handling work and having a baby, then it was shes having another baby...
Until finally some years later she , I am sure , because of my tenacity and persistence, went over for Christmas, left my letters to my sister and photos and said I have something I should tell you and its all in there , you have a sister, and then PROMPTLY LEFT..

And this should be the moment right ? my older sister DID I Say that clearly enough - OLDER SISTER - you know the one that was KEPT before me....so this should be the moment where all my dreams come true , my sister knows about me....the one who has been an only child her entire life, so she thought...

WRONG

Nope wrong again, she didn't want to know me my mother said :( ....well of course I didn't believe my mother, who would, how could anyone not want to know their own flesh and blood...but she didn't she really didn't, I said to my N mother that I didn't believe her (I couldnt how could I) and that there was the end of our *reunion*
She even went so far as to change her phone number...

Fast forward to some years later... 2005, in this time My Adoptive Mother had died, I had got married and had a baby daughter..... And I get a email reminding me about Friends Reunited
and my school, and then my eye catches *genes reunited* which of course over the years I'd put my birth name in numerous times as well as my sisters name looking for matches and never anything came about, but oh well what the hell I thought.......and there she WAS - OMG that had to be her, right name , right DOB..So I kept searching and it appeared to be there was a Aunt too..So I paid for a mship and sent a message, to both, the agony was excruciating..

I asked if she were *her name* daughter of *mothers name*...She wrote back with "yes I am"

My heart raced, ,my ears pounded with the blood thumping through my heart....IT WAS HER - I had Made contact...OMG now what...

So I wrote more, and she wrote back with "Hi *my name*, yes I do know who you are. You are married and have a little girl. You have been trying to contact me for a long time"

OMG it REALLY is HER !

So then we progressed to emails, and then Chatting over the net ...There is so much between us that is so alike, and of course a lot that is different..
It felt so weird but so right having a Big Sister
I had always ALWAYS said to my parents "I wish I had a sister"
They say that baby's know that they hear their mothers voice and the voices of those around them ie the daddy or siblings..I would have heard this little 2 year old girl that was my Sister....

There is so much that went between us in emails and chats, but I forgot her birthday..and that was it OVER. It didnt matter that I had a emergency crisis going on with my online business and that this was the FIRST Time of knowing her and her birthday, I mean some people dont even remember their siblings birthdays that they see every year and have grown up with. But she felt that I was so very very wrong for forgetting.

As you can imagine things were tense between us, we are both very strong and emotional people

But if I could take it back and NOT forget her birthday I would. But it wasnt only that , I think that was the excuse. It was that I was too intense for her, she didnt want to know all about the adoption stuff, the pain and everything associated with it, no non adopted person does. It makes them uncomfortable, it makes them want to leave the room, to get away as fast as possible..and why ? why is that ? Because its confronting and people in general dont want to know the truth and have it look them square in the eye, they dont want to know about the pain, they just want to see happy faces and see sunshine and flowers.

But for me to get to that place of happiness I NEED To get through the pain, I NEED for them to understand me FOR ME for who I AM and then I can get to the happy flowers and sunshine stage.

But it ended.....for a while anyway


ToBeContinued.....

Secrets & Lies

So Secrets and Lies...hmmm well there is nothing new there when you add the word ADOPTION Next to it is there? but what about when those secrets and lies become bigger than you and hit you fair square in the backside sending you sprawling S P L A T Across the sidewalk?

June 1997 is when I started searching, really searching, involving letter writing, applications for my adoption file were sent to the UK and permissions for documents to be sent to counsellors here in Australia, where i would then go to find out about my adoption, and be given my file.

So 30 years later the truth shall set you free , RIGHT ? WRONG ? it was just more confusion, more lies, more questions..

So fast forward through all the paperwork trail and I am sitting down in the Month of September 1997 with the counsellor at the adoption centre here in Australia where the file had gone.
There sat this very nice lady with my file about to tell me why My Mother gave me away like some spare Kleenex...
Here I sat with this nice lady and unbeknown to me about to have a bombshell dropped on me..

"You were not aware that you had a older sister"

A WHAT A FREAKING WHAT

A OLDER SISTER ? Wait a minute, that means BEFORE ME, my mother had a baby BEFORE ME and KEPT HER??? What no that cant be right ? are you sure ?
And there in black and white it was on the application form, under Has either parent any other children..Give Age and sex ....

YES - FEMALE AGE 2


So there is was..but wait, in the covering letter from the Place that handled the adoption letter it stated "A Letter giving the background information was sent to the adoptive parents at the time"

THEY KNEW ? My Aparents Knew ? MY MUM AND DAD KNEW that I had a sister ?
All those years "I wish I had a sister, I wish I had a sister" was that like a knife to my mother every time I said those words I wonder ? (knowing what i know now)

I spoke to my Mother, I said they said that you were sent a letter with background information and that you were told that I had a sister..No she ADAMANTLY cried (or as I now know LIED) we didn't get anything like that...we didn't know that...

And so I had sent a letter to the place in the UK requesting a copy of said letter, to which I got a polite no sorry but we can not send you the letter that was sent to your adoptive parents at the time, but if write to us and request a copy, But I can tell you it was a precise of what was in your file (that i now had - meaning MY SISTER)

Of course I wasn't about to ask them to do that..Oh the strength I lacked in those days...

My Mum of course was not in good health and it deteriorated terribly in the next 2 years to the point that it was diagnosed that she had terminal cancer ...and she consequently died in 2000.
And so did a little part of me :( she was after all the only Mother i had ever known, from the age of 7 weeks..

So I pushed that aside..and then the decision came to search for my Natural Mother and OMG I had a sister taboot...

But this was a very conflicting time as well, there was a lot of personal stuff going on in my own personal life and plus then My Mothers health started to decline.

Letters were sent however and in October 1997 the counselor received a letter from a Solicitor in the UK..

Yes this was it the moment I had been dreaming of This was my natural Mother (via a solicitor) but still...well Kinda, I didn't quite imagine it like this.I more sort of imagined that she had been counting the days until I would *arise* and come into her life looking for her, where she would tell me how she had been forced to give me up, how she had regretted every single minute of every single day and that she loved me with all her very being and heart and soul.... (part of me still clings to that delusion - despite knowing better now)

So for weeks on end letters went back between the solicitor and the counselor mediating between myself, who was like sending letters and photos via the counselor to the solicitor to be passed on to my Mother, and the solicitor would be , "sorry no information, my client wishes to look over everything and take time to think about things"

This went on for over a YEAR until a letter that went along these lines...

http://adoptedjane.blogspot.com/2008/04/letter-to-birthmother.html


When then finally out of the blue in 1998 Over One year later on September the 20th as I lay dying from the flu on the couch in my townhouse, with just my beautiful little pooch for comfort, the phone call I had been waiting for all my life came thundering into my consciousness...

Hello,

Hello this is *name* are you alright

Oh god yes I just have the flu...

we talked for ages just ages..sadly due to be so ill I don't remember a lot of it, but that Christmas I got a Christmas Card, and for my birthday in January I got a Birthday card- both were signed

LOVE *name*

To Be Continued........

Letter to a Birthmother

I sent this letter to my own natural mother when after a year of letters between the solicitor she hired and the counselor sending my letters, cards and photos, the counselor suggested that I send this letter, with appropriate details, as it had been used by other adoptees with success.


Its for those mothers who are having issues with making the contact or expanding the contact..

When the counselor first told me and sent it to me and said this has been used by other adoptee/s with success I thought but isn't it blackmail ?, in the end though as the year of her refusal of non contact I did use it...It had the result intended but I still wish that I had not needed it




Dear ,

I have decided to write to you a letter from the heart, in the hope that it reaches some remote part of your heart and soul that isn't closed to me. The last thing I wish to do is cause you pain, and it saddens me for your sake and mine that you have not been able to share the past with your family. Surely they would be understanding and not blame you in any way - I certainly do not. I understand the era I was born into Adult adoptees are not judgmental in the least ,all most of us want is some background information on our biological parents and their families

Like Most adopted children, I have a serious problem with knowing who I am , my roots , my genealogy , my medical history, who I am like, who I look like, What traits I have i inherited etc etc Every time and adopted child looks into the mirror they are searching for who is behind that face. Not just the woman in whose womb they lived for nine months, but her family and that of their birth father and his family. Adopted children and adults are condemned into anonymity. Yes I know I am (age) bit it doesn't get any easier as one gets older. In fact it gets harder and harder as we move into a more reflective part of our lives. Sadly there are literally hundreds and thousands of adoptees (and relinquishing mothers) all over the world desperately searching for their roots. IT has nothing to do with how happy or otherwise they wre or are with their adoptive parents, it is a far more primal would that we seek to heal. It has nothing to do with letting down or being disloyal to adoptive parents, most nowadays are understanding of their adopted children's needs It is a different issue entirely

This understanding of the crucial importance to adoptees in knowing their biological heritage in forming a secure identity has been reflected in more enlightened legislations in my parts of the world
I cant promise not to every contact my *grandparents,sibling,aunt*
I seem to have spent my entire life complying with other peoples wishes and at *age* with so many crucial questions unanswered can do so no longer
I truly hope that you can see beyond your own painful memories
With Love and understanding,

Namexx

Procrastination & Fakeness

I've been procrastinating writing on my blog for ages. At first I blogged in the main daily, then I got chatting with my AAAFC friends and it just didn't seem that there was enough hours in the day between my children, my chores and chatting...hmm Children , Chatting, Chores, why does everything start with C !
Anyway regardless, I've also been having a CRAP Time (oh the C word again..) with real life family issues..
It just seems that there is so much negativity around me, coming in on me, constantly..No matter how hard I try to *please* people and no matter no much I admit my mistakes, no matter how hard I try Not to do the things that piss people off, it still happens.
You know I even feel like I should apologize for the way I have *outbursted* in some of my posts on MY blog, yup its my blog but I somehow feel the need to apologize for the swearing, for the anger and for the HURT That i feel, Sometimes I feel ashamed of me, I feel that way because of the way people look at me, the way people whisper about me, no I am not paranoid, it truly does happen and maybe I am guilty of worrying about it, of questioning people about it, But thats what it is isnt it ? People DO talk about other people, like it or not that is human nature, but what people DON'T like is being questioned about it, they don't like getting caught out..
Ive always had this *6th sense* I don't know whether its the Irish in me, or what it is but when i get a *gut feeling* I am usually spot on.

And sure there are the ODD times when my brain has gone into hyper paranoia drive and been way off but that is very rare...and no matter how much people like to deny it, thats the problem they don't like being caught out.
I guess thats human nature.
I think thats a lot of the reason people don't like me, after a while that is, and that is because i make them confront themselves and they feel uncomfortable doing that that...

I'm having HUGE issues with the word fake at the moment...with the fact that people want to be so fake around others..whats the point? I have been fake my entire life, everything is fake about me, My name, My country, My family tree, my entire past is fake, that is of course until I had MY children, 2 beautiful biological, vaginally, pushed out Children..that i am VERY proud of being able to do so, with all the issues of adoption and abandonment that have been laid at my doorstep.

There is nothing fake about that , nothing fake about them, and there never will be. I believe in 100% honesty, but I DON'T Believe in belittling someone and listing off all their faults because you are pissed off with them and laying all the blame at their doorstep, which some how people think that is just fine and dandy to do to me.

I'm by no means perfect, I have so many screwed up emotions inside of me, and so much conflict that churns in my heart and head that I'm sometimes completely suprised I'm still standing and have the very essence of things that other people dream about.
So I complain about being fake, But am I being fake ? I can not say to you that I am happy despite having all these things but yet aren't I being fake ? just going along day to day getting through another day?
No I am not being fake, because I know I am not happy and I am constantly trying to reach out to fix that.
But I keep getting turned away. What I mean is that just when I think that someone has *got me* I Find out that NO in fact they have not Got me at all, in fact far from it...and no I didn't see that one coming..why cant I get a 6th sense about that sort of stuff ? why do I have to glide along with other peoples reality thinking all is well with the world and in fact its all FAKE *Again*

I want to be ME
I want to be ME and Be ACCEPTED for who I am.
I want to be ME and improve myself
I want to be ME and be allowed to improve myself
I want to be ME and be helped
I want someone to take care of me through this journey....

You always here of people who change other peoples lives because they saw them through something weekly, daily for sometimes years , am I not worthy of being helped ? People constantly say that I am loving, fun, honest, helpful, supportive, smart etc etc when I am not in a huge mess of adoption pain or RATHER as I am ALWAYS In a huge mess of Adoption pain, when i am being FAKE About being in a whole mess of adoption pain and just pretending not to be....

But since reunion which when pear shape, my pain has increased a thousand times..I am triggered by so many more things.

I Hurt for that little baby that was given away. I hurt for that little baby that aged each day away from her mummy.

Here's the deal I am a ATTACHMENT PARENT, this was a HUGE surprise to me when 5 years ago I was on a USA parenting board and there were some that spoke of 'sleeping with their baby', 'wearing their baby' 'being with their baby all the time, ie no daycares and not leaving bubs' and other things along those lines..well I certainly wasn't leaving my baby at daycare or anywhere else, I hadn't waited 36 years to have a baby to leave it
But i certainly wasn't going to sleep with my baby, I intended on breastfeeding and maybe even using a sling thing..but that would be it.
The minute my girl was born that immediately changed.ESPECIALLY when she had to go down the Neo Natal Intensive Care Unit for 2nights..When I came home from the hospital I put her in the bassinet next to our bed, within 10 minutes I picker her up and put her in the crook of my arm where she stayed *metaphorically speaking* for 18mths..
My baby boy is just over 12 months an he too sleeps in the bed next to me.

And I get frowned upon, and i get the "oh really you Sleep with your baby" and "god really" "oh no i couldnt do that"

And I find myself wanting to apologize for making them feel uncomfortable.

But have they ever known abandonment from their mother ? NO they haven't, so I don't apologize but I do change the subject.

I couldnt imagine NOT sleeping with my babies and smelling them next to me, hearing them breathe, Breastfeeding them (unfortunately for me both had issues so was only 7 and 9 mths respectively but still I gave it my all) and wearing them in a sling and a kapoochi...
My daughter has only now just started kindy this year, first time being left anywhere and not one problem in fact she was hanging out for me to LEAVE so she could get down to the serious business of playing ;)
The teacher commented to me at the end of that week of the 2 half days of her being there and again since then, "really and you have never left her anywhere on her own before - that is amazing she is so full of confidence and self esteem'

I just said i did confidence building exercises rather than say well yes its attachment parenting, co sleeping baby wearing etc ...

And then my hear breaks as the little girl is holding on to her mummy's leg and crying her eyes out please dont go, as her mum leaves her and heads off, only to pick her up after kindy and drop her to daycare..

I KNOW That some people absolutely HAVE to work, but I Think the first years of a child's life are so very important to be spent with Mummy or Daddy if need be, or even nanas or Aunties ,but Mummy is best, over and above all other family and I just wish that more people would plan their life to have their children raised at home by mummy for the first 4 or 5 years. Same with people getting on a plane and leaving a 8 week old or even 8 month old for a weeks holiday...I think its wrong and I make no excuses for my opinion on that.

Ive lived with being abandoned, I have the scars every day of it, in my broken down heart...where as my daughter has high self esteem and huge self confidence that is ready to see her through to adult hood

I'm sick of making excuses for myself , apologizing for myself..I'm sick of everyone wanting me to be Fake.

I am very strong in so many ways, but some how some way I need to be strong for me, I need to find that inner strength to stand up to the bullies of this world, the *neggers - people who like to heap negativity on me* of this world. I need to be true to me, I need to say I CAN DO THIS..I can Over come this, I can rise above it.

Yes I've been abandoned and yes I've had a completely screwy life in how I have behaved Rather REACTED to the triggers that people give off to me, But I CAN and I WILL over come them, I have to , I have two beautiful children who love me very very much, they are NEVER negative to me, they only ever tell me how much they love me daily and frequently during the day, one with vocalization & hugs and kisses and one with his little arms wrapped tight around my neck....and the pulling of my hair..

So be DAMMED with everyone who tries to take me down. Its time that you understood that I'm just not going to be pushed around anymore because of my insecurities brought on by my abandonment..

YUP Today Is a GOOD DAY for NO MORE procrastination and NO MORE Fakeness