Deciding My Fate

Well that was actually decided some 41 years ago, when my Mother (who gave birth to me) decided that she couldnt / wouldn't raise two children..I was definitely what is termed a Bastard
ICK..that conjures up awful flashes for me..but its used a lot on adoption blogs, there are adoptees who have reclaimed *bastard* back to take away the negative connotation from it..I'm not sure if this little Black Duck *adoptee* is ready to do that yet...

From Wikipedia this is the explanation for the term Bastard

The literal meaning of the word bastard is the circumstance of being born of parents who are not married to one another (see illegitimacy). The word is also used as a generic derogatory term for a person who is rather obnoxious, unpleasant or mean.

Source

Thats just great isnt it ?

Why are children who were born of parents who are not married to one another, the SAME Meaning as a obnoxious, unpleasant and Mean Person ?

How the hell did some moron come up with that association ? oh do you think it might be because that person happened to have had a insult thrown at them from some pissed off angry (And rightfully so) illegitimate child..and therefore decided that was what they should be called and so it went down in history ?

Or how about Dictionary Reference.com

Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1) - Cite This Source - Share This

bas·tard /ˈbæstərd/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[bas-terd] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation

–noun

1.	a person born of unmarried parents; an illegitimate child.

2.	Slang. a. a vicious, despicable, or thoroughly disliked person: Some bastard slashed the tires on my car. b. a person, esp. a man: The poor bastard broke his leg.

3.	something irregular, inferior, spurious, or unusual.

4.	bastard culverin.

–adjective

5.	illegitimate in birth.

6.	spurious; not genuine; false: The architecture was bastard Gothic.

7.	of abnormal or irregular shape or size; of unusual make or proportions: bastard quartz; bastard mahogany.

8.	having the appearance of; resembling in some degree: a bastard Michelangelo; bastard emeralds.

9.	Printing. (of a character) not of the font in which it is used or found.

---

[Origin: 1250–1300; ME <>bastard, ML bastardus (from 11th century), perh. <>*bāst-, presumed var. of *bōst- marriage + OF -ard -ard, taken as signifying the offspring of a polygynous marriage to a woman of lower status, a pagan tradition not sanctioned by the church; cf. OFris bost marriage <>*bandstu-, a n. deriv. of IE *bhendh- bind; the traditional explanation of OF bastard as deriv. of fils de bast “child of a packsaddle” is doubtful on chronological and geographical grounds]

—Synonyms 6. fake, imitation, imperfect, sham, irregular, phony.

Hmmm Thats even better NOT..So now not only was I illigeitmate in birth but the term also refers to something irregular, inferior, spurious, or unusual AND fake, imitation, imperfect, sham, irregular, phony.

Poppyhogwash - The term bastard for referring to children of illegitimacy (itself an obnoxious word) should be REMOVED From all reference material.

I frequently call my husband a bastard when we have a all out no holds barred argument !! which i find funny really because I am far more a bastard than he is ..I actually could claim rights to the word for myself , where he actually can not if you were to take it for the NON slang meaning :P

How about Origins of Common words

About the history, origins, and definitions of the common word bastard.

UNCOMMON STORIES BEHIND COMMON WORDS

Bastard - Of disputed origin, the term is probably a combination of the Old French bast, "packsaddle," and the pejorative ending ard. His packsaddle was a muleteer's pillow, not infrequently shared, while on the road. Like terms include the French coitrart, or "quilt-child"; the German Bankling, or "bench-child"; the low German Mantelkind, or "cloak-child"; and the Old Norse hrisungr, or "brushwood-child." The later "love child" was simply a Victorian euphemism. In legal terminology, bastard was the word applied to the illegitimate but acknowledged son of a prince or nobleman; William the Bastard was a common epithet, no insult intended, for William
the Conqueror.

How about this one by the FREE DICTIONARY

bas·tard (bstrd)

n.

1. A child born out of wedlock.

2. Something that is of irregular, inferior, or dubious origin.

3. Slang A person, especially one who is held to be mean or disagreeable.

adj.

1. Born of unwed parents; illegitimate.

2. Not genuine; spurious: a bastard style of architecture.

3. Resembling a known kind or species but not truly such.

So now we are akin to something that is

Irregular , Inferior OR Dubious Origin !!

Not Genuine !!

Resembling a known kind or species but not truly such

So I am still not comfortable claiming the word, because I am none of these things EXCEPT That I was Born out of wedlock. Also Bastard has always primarily been thought of as Male

So enough about The term Bastard and its origin and meanings..and onto *my fate*

What do I want to do ? I am deliberating - do I want to send my Mother (who gave birth to me) a Letter and some photos of her new grandson..and some of her grand daughter and ask her if ..... ?.............................................

TBC tommorow......................

TRUTH AND CONSEQUENCES PART 3

Well its been a while.I just haven't been up to writing in here. Its Sunday, It was Last Sunday that all the shit went down, what I wrote in Part 1&2 ...
A week ...Well I would say I have been officially rejected for fucking good.
I can just hear my Mother (who gave birth to me) and my Sister saying "see we told you...thats why we dont have antyhing to do with her'
Cause I am too needy , clingy, too impatient, too in their face....
What - was I supposed to just say Hi after 30 plus years (when I first reunited) glad to finally meet you (metaphorically speaking) and just chit chat bout the weather ?
Yeah well maybe fucking PRINCESS PERFECT could do that...but I am not her....I pretend I am, at times, its all a big fucking FACADE

I remember when I first wrote, saying I will push you away because that is what I do, and two Aunties and a cousin, the one I met, the one who was in my home for 5 mths visiting most weeks, staying over....leaving...well they wrote and said NEVER you will NEVER push us away, we are your family, you cant get rid of us.

WRONG

See It Proves my fucking point EVERYONE LIES.

There is not one person I can trust NOT ONE.

I fucking HATE Adoption...

No one knows just what this pain is like except another adoptee and even then it can vary, But more recently I have found those that are experiencing what I feel on a Fantastic Adoption Board. Which I am just not prepared to share because everytime i do that , everytime I welcome people along to things , they take over, they STEAL it from me and abandon me. Im always left out in the cold.
So this time I'm keeping it to myself ....

My heart is so sad and heavy atm..I Ticked an Aunty off, she said its okay, she said she was sorry she'd upset me, and that I hadnt disappointed anyone..

I felt SO SO Bad that I had upset her, I cant stand upsetting anyone, let alone people who are nice to me, and between the second I hit send she basically wrote back and said her blood pressure was through the roof and she didn't need this :( She cc'd it to everyone, So I cc'd my Sorry email to everyone saying I had already sent that to her..

That was a week ago...

Ive been rejected and abandoned again.

They all are in another country, they all have each other. I am here battling this on my own.

ITs not my fault that my Mother (who gave birth to me) hung up on me at Christmas saying NO she didnt want to talk to me, and my sister wont email me or talk to me.....and that has upset me no end.

They all have this blog link, well except my Mother (who gave birth to me) she doesnt have a computer.
I'd buy her one if I thought she would use it to keep in touch...........

I have no idea if they read this blog or not, but it isnt like anyone will know its them..there are NO names.

I am so head stuffed atm , I feel so sad and this isnt my fucking fault. It isnt my fault that I am still so confused and heartbroken as to why my Mother gave me away....Ive never got a straight answer and different Aunts say different things about her..One says she is selfish the other says she is not..That she would be in depression over me, whilst the other one says the only thing she is depressed about is that she has lost her lifestyle through age.

Why wont anyone tell me the FUCKING TRUTH in this world

Oh I know because I cant handle it and will throw a temper tantrum...

SO FUCKING WHAT

I'm entitled to...Maybe once its all out in the open , all talked about until there is NOTHING LEFT To talk about .then it might be over and i could move on.....

And be happy.......

Oh what a lovely thought...

Non adoptive people just so take their mother for granted...that she is there, they so take looking in the mirror for granted as they see their mother / father / brother / sister / nana / grandpa / etc back at them...

What do I see ? well until I had my baby girl I saw NO One that looked like me...then I saw me in her...

When i met my cousin AH then it was like coming home.....

The I had my son and another ME I saw in him...

Thats it for me today I dont want to blog anymore today

I'm Not doing this anymore

Im not doing this anymore.
I was COPING Before I started searching
I was happy to some degree...to a LOT Bigger degree than I am now.

SO TODAY IT ENDS..

NO MORE I will not focus on them I will tear up their phone numbers , I will delete their numbers from my phone

IT ENDS RIGHT NOW..

I have been crying on and off all day, I am in so much Physical pain, from the hurt and I have picked a fight with my husband since he walked in the door ...

So it ENDS RIGHT NOW TODAY..............

Its not enough that I get from these relationship, that are on the other side of the world, to carry me through these sad times so I am ending it. I have two beautiful children who need a MOTHER - their original and only mother..
I'd rather be outright rejected than this quasi love that I am getting

My husband knows me so well that when i go down I go down at a rate of knots and its very hard to bring me back to the surface ....it only ever happens with shit like this.

SO IT ENDS

RIGHT NOW

(i'll be back later to do part 3 of T&C - cause I am still doing my blog its so cathartic for me)

TRUTH AND CONSEQUENCES PART 2

Every single Day, Every Single FUCKING Day I get up, happy , with a bounce in my step, ready to start a new day afresh, and inevitably somewhere during that day someone does something, says something to hurt me... WHY ? What did i do to deserve this tumultuous path of life that I have been flung on...and no matter what I do...it just keeps throwing up obstacles at me....I was a little baby born out of lust out of narcissistic behavior on my mothers (who gave birth to me) part..does that make her a bad person ? NO..Does that make me a bad person ? NO

I don't have fucking mental problems what I have is a life of not knowing who I was, of not knowing my roots of being ripped from my mothers (who gave life to me) very essence..having had TWO Babies myself I can NOT understand, comprehend or reconcile someone willingly giving up a baby.

I've read loads of other blogs now, and I've read of the mothers who were 'the girls that went away' who were coerced , bullied and otherwise into giving away their baby, who now desperately seek that baby out to reunite...Oh how I LONG for one of those mothers ...But no I get stuck with a selfish mother who couldnt give two fucking hoots about me..not when it got too 'heavy' for her and it would seem that it runs in the family too..

Its ironic that the mothers that seek the babies they gave up, are rejected time and time again by their babies when they find them and the babies that search their mothers out are rejected over and over ....Why is it that I couldnt have had a mother that wanted to reunite with me and never let me go again ?

I've decided to close my heart to it all again. I did after my mothers (who gave birth to me) rejection , after she changed her phone number for gods sake...I mean she reunited with me for a while, then it got to heavy for her because of the pressure to know about my sister and my actual coming to be......so then she abandoned me yet again but this time it was harder because this time I was an adult, who actually knew and understood what was going on..
Then I opened my heart up again to my sister when i found her , she had listed herself on genes reuinted and i surprisingly found her , Apparently my mother (who gave birth to me) acutally really did tell her about me , eventually after about 2 years and my sister said that she didnt want to know about me, she couldnt cope with it 'right now'...but after some years I found her and slowly we began emailing and IMing each other...
Fucking another HUGE mistake on my part to actually let my heart be open to her after initially being jaded...and then it was to much....too heavy....and then I forgot her birthday ...I mean over 38 years of never knowing about her birthday and the first year I had just got to know her I did forget her birthday (I had my online business going through turmoil and in fear of being shut down..and i forgot her birthday) well that was it she turned her back on me because SHE had remembered my daughters and sent her a present...
It would be a first :( I am the one who remembers everyones birthday and I am the one who has a horrible shitty birthday and people forgetting me.....and the one time i go and forget a very new to my memory persons birthday I am admonished to purgatory for ever...
Then I am in contact with a Aunt and then another Aunt and I allow myself over time to open up a little...Ah I think this is going so much better and then oh my god one of them is coming here as in one of my birth relatives and I meet them and spend over 5 mths with them as in most weeks I see them, they come and stay at our home and I even allow my daughter to be taken to the park with her...shes my cousin and she says I am exactly like them..I see me, I see my eyes, I see my personality , i see my heart in this person.its like being home...But then she goes and I try to handle it but its coming to Christmas and my birthday (the hell time of my life) And for more than one reason...
So shes now home in the UK and its christmas night and my other family have gone and my husband and I are alone, kids have gone to bed and so I ring , and I cry because dam it its not right they are my family and are going to celebrate christmas without me clear across the other side of the world..
And I pluck up th encourage and ring my mother (who gave birth to me) who tells me that she doesnt want to know, doesnt want to talk to me REJECTED AGAIN
I think it was my mother because then Another day I rang her again but it was my sisters number , they were muddled up since my mother (who gave birth to me) had changed her number....
And so now she is cross with me, I try ringing her back to say sorry for the mistake but she is not answering and instead I get a answer phone so I leave a message..........And now i hear she isnt sleeping because its all been brought back to her...
What about me ? I have lived with this knowledge of being discarded like a piece of rubbish for 41 years....
Today during the typing of this post I fed my children lunch and as I was doing so a movie came on tv..and of all the days where I am going through such sadness what do you think the movie was about ?? Yep a little adopted girl
So another 2 hrs of crying and hurting inside...but the story was in most cases unrealistic, there was a fantastically wonderful reunion...this really isnt reality for most adoptees....

So anyway where am I at...oh I know today ..Well you see leading up to my birthday I get absolutely crazy ... I have no intent on doing so it kinda just creeps up on me..Ive written about it in another post previously...anyway in the weeks leading up to it I decided to bare my soul, well some of it to my aunties, cousin and sister..
PFTTTT what a waste of time and energy that was - what did it get me ? lack of respect and REJECTION By some of them again...
One Aunty has completely written me off and that i need professional help..FFS what I told you about was my narcissistic personality that happened in my TWENTIES I am now 41, married with two children...for gods sake.
So I have opened up...allowed my heart to be bared and for what ? to be judged ...and what really upsets me is that I guarantee in fact I know that there are many in my family tree who have their own dark naughty secrets of eyebrow raising questionability and they WERE NOT Adopted........................
So what have I done? I've put up my wall and blocked them, I did it when I first realised that I was being judged but 2 aunts and a cousin wrote such lovely words to me , I thought that maybe i was wrong..but should have stuck with my gut instinct , so now I know how I am thought of , 'damaged goods' with a mental problem who needs professional help...I could go to 10 thousand counselors and they would never 'fix me'
I am TIRED of being told to get over it, tired of being told to try and make peace with it and I am just plain worn out from trying to get people to understand

People take having their MOTHER that gave birth to them and then nurtured and raised them for granted, they take the fact that they look like 'Aunty Dot' 'Uncle Reg' 'Sister Sally' 'Nanny Stephens" (all made up names) for granted , they take their roots for granted , they take their heritage for granted.
Whilst I would have been devastated not to have had a father I would have at least had the woman that I bonded with for 9mths.............
I will be back to add part 3 later on.. family calls

TRUTH AND CONSEQUENCES PART 1

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An Adoptee With ISSUES - Not Mental - this is what I originally had the title of this blog post as but changed it to the title it is now as i started to write more and more....



Nor is it something to be taken in the good times and disposed of in the bad times.
I am So fucking angry and so hurt right now that I have all these words in my head that I want to get down here on my blog but I fear its going to be all convoluted..But I will try because I need to get it out

So basically 41yrs & 4 days ago my Mother (who gave birth to me) handed me over at 6 days old like a puppy being handed over ...

(I wonder if animals feel this trauma of seperation like we do? - I wonder if the mummy dogs and other animals go into some sort of depressions when their babies are removed from them ?)

So I am handed over to a adoption agency person who then places me with a foster mother for the next 6 weeks until my parents come and collect me....
So My mother (who gave birth to me) hands me over and turns her back on me, and walks away to resume her interrupted life with her OTHER Daughter, my older sister by 2.5 years, you see she was involved with a married man, she became pregnant, they co-habited for a while, and then he eventually left her and she went nutso drinking and partying and the end result of that ? was ME.....
But could she keep me ? oh no she had to give me away and therefore screwing me up for all eternity..But that still doesn't clarify me with *mental* problems
If anything I have Emotional issues of GRIEF and LOSS and ANGER but mental issues ...no....
You see to continue on with the story, I grew up with my two wonderfully loving , all be it with a very controlling mother , parents who did everything possible for me, gave me everything they could possibly give me, much to the disdain of my two brothers who were biologically theirs, and some 10years older than me, yep I was spoilt rotten, in their eyes..but my parents were just that , parents , really GOOD parents when it comes down to it and they never ever said I had "mental problems" despite the years of acting out , being angry, being narcissistic ..they just tried to guide me the best way possible, and I am sure that I broke my mothers heart on more than one occasion with this sort of behavior ..but hell look at the mother (who gave birth to me) track record was...I mean it really does run in the genes doesn' it ?..It even ran through my sisters.

I remember when i was 18, saying I wanted to search for my 'real mother' ICK what a HORRIBLE Thing to have said to my Mum..how hurtful that must have been to her, I wasn't being malicious thats just what I knew...she was like yeah okay , but she knew that as I was starting off on 'life' with working and boys that it would soon dissapear this urge to find her, and it did ..Until I was 25 and then i was really really serious about looking for her but then horror of horrors my Mum had done a 360 on me and now was saying I might not like what I find, and maybe its best to leave it alone , the past in the past , I kept pushing her what did she mean by that and eventually she broke down in tears saying something about I wouldn't like what I found out and that she was a 'drinker' and that well the circumstances of my 'being" might not be very nice..take note...it was around here that my disillusionment of my fairytale mother and father and them being rich and or famous started to be knocked down a peg or two here...I mean not that i really cared about it , but it was better to have these fantasies about WHY she gave me away ... that she was someone very famous and it would have been scandalous, and or I was 'stolen' or I was removed from her forcibly...Of course later on in life I was to know that none of these things were true...I think my Mum was right...I should have left it all alone..but thats how I'm feeling today because yet again I have been blindsided and a knife put through my heart...but in another day or so I am sure I will be back to being grateful that i did the search, grateful that I found out information, grateful that I have photos of people that LOOK just like me..and grateful that I will have TRUTH to tell my children about their biological ancestors and not complete Bullshit.

So at 25 as I was living away from home with my then finance (blah now he had mental problems) I sent off for my birth certificate ...my REAL Birth Certificate not some phoney 'made up one' to be shown around ..And thank god I was born in the UK and not the USA, and was able to get my REAL birth certificate, because that is what it is the REAL One , The TRUE AND HONEST ONE..the one that said I was born. The one that had my TRUE IDENTITY stamped on it with my name Jane (surname) Oh and of course the one with my Mother's (who gave birth to me) name written on it and "supposed to have' my father who gave life to me, name on it..but to my shock horror it did not have that ... it was just a blank...well no thats not strictly true either - it has a big one of these __________ through the sections Fathers Name and Fathers Occupation..
But I was happy I had a REAL NAME, and I had my Mothers (who gave birth to me) name..Woohoo
But then Disaster...I broke up with my finance, moved home with my parents , started to go down a slippery slope of denial....Became involved with a Married man (again) Just like my mother (who gave birth to me) and sister before me...
HE sought me out to fix his life because his marriage was falling apart , and I allowed him to wrap me up in his warm arms because I was still yearning for something (something that I didn't know what i was yearning for, which I would learn later would be my mother (who gave birth to me) it was her arms I needed but others , many others would be a substitute for her in my life and like a drug give a instant fix but never a lasting remedy)
And then that eventually fell apart and I went on to meet someone else and during that time both my finance and my ex lover sought me out , ought to reconcile , sought to have a relationship with me, my lover had even left his wife completely before he came to me heart bared ready to commit to me, ( How wonderful it felt to be the bitch that broke his marriage up, when in effect it was him that broke it up, I was just his Excuse, His way out, and I was the one who could be blamed...BLAH) so yeah he came to me wanting a lifelong commitment now..(This was some years later) But I was now heavily involved with a wonderful bloke and having the time of my life, and I was happy (in the most part)
Then he and I broke up, and with it my heart shattered into a thousand tiny pieces, and I fell back into my ex fiances arms for all of a "moment" in time when i realized why I left him to start with...
And then the REAL hunt was on ..
For a Bloke ??
NO - for the REAL ME..
I then became serious , I was 30 years old, and I was fucking my life up drinking, acting out, was probably about 1 step away from being anorexic...looking to men to love me...None of this was the answer, my 20's were fucked so I wasn't going to let my 30's be as well..with this narcissistic behavior
So I contacted a Adoption agency here in Australia to help me, in the end it was me who found her, but they did the letter writing back and forth for over a year ..because yes even at 30yrs old I had to have a agency involved in how my life should be run and what information I should get , and how it should be vetted first by a counselor and then me allowed to read it in front of the counselor..
And so in October 1997 a Law firm contacted the agency with confirmation that my mother (who gave birth to me) had been in contact with them and what was all this about
So they wrote back and told her, she wasn't interested they said, so they wrote back with some more info and letters and photos from me..And still nothing until one day , on their advice a letter was sent from me via them ..saying that I didn't want to hurt her or interrupt her life or want antyhing from her but that i wanted to know my sibling and I wanted to know my aunts and uncles and grandmother etc.. and that I would have to contact them as she had denied me..
And so on the 20th September 1998 nearly a year later, I got the phone call that would forever change me......My mother (who gave birth to me) rang me..From the UK to Australia..
I got a Christmas card and a birthday card, with LOVE and her name signed at the bottom..and then that next year later on .it all went pear shaped..I wanted to know my sister my older sister but..but...but..but their was always a obstacle in the way for her to do so................

tbc..........

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Adoption SUCKS

You know that right ? or if you are one of 'those' people who thinks that adoption is the 'best thing for all concerned' and 'the best thing for the child' then please hit the X button straight outta here now...
Because adoption absolutely positively SUCKS. It doesn't matter what way you look at it, it doesn't matter what you say or type be it as the case may be ;) there is going to be a ramification for what your little heart pours out.
I've been reading different blogs and articles as inevitably as always on the www one link leads to another to another and i guess living in the good old country Down Under know as Australia I am sheltered from many things. Some of the things I have been coming across in the Good Ole USA is absolutely frighteningly appalling.. I mean I am very very blessed to have been born in the UK and NOT the USA and to live in a very forward country as Australia. Because I was able to get my original birth certificate and not only that but all the actual adoption papers as well. The medical Pages, The Consent to adopt pages , even copies of my mother (who gave me up for adoption) signature showing that she had received a copy of a 'Adoption of Children Explanatory Memorandum'.


I started writing this last night and had to take leave of doing so to be with my family so I have lost my train of thought..
I'm sure i will re pick it up later today...But my opinion still stands -adoption sucks - and I wish there was some other way where mothers and babies didn't have to be separated. I'm actually in complete sock that adoption is so freely thrown about these days, with all the resources and knowledge that are at our fingertips in this day, why women are still giving children up for adoption. I'm talking about white, educated women with families. Seems to me its all to easy today to *return* things or in this case give them up. I am I supposed biased *against* adoption because of the pain I am in and in some cases it would be a good thing. But there are many cases I have seen where people get pregnant and use adoption as a form of birth control. I'm NEVER going to understand that and i really don't care what anyone says in regards to that either because from what i have read it IS Happening, and of course the greedy people profiteering from encouraging young women to go that route are preying on all the vulnerable women out there and advising them that they are "doing the best thing for the child"

PFTTTTT

More encouragement and support should be going into 1) Birth Control to start with and 2) how to be supported emotionally , financially and every other way to KEEP The child

Thats what is in the best interest of the child to start with and NOT these $$$$$$

Stumbled upon...Stumble Upon !

Wow this is a pretty nifty little site...

Please stumble upon me over there Stumble Me don't forget to stumble me :P

Amy Winehouse Rocks

That Hair belongs in another time another place..The tatts well I cant imagine at 80 I'd feel cool but maybe shes gonna be another Dean...But no matter what this chick Rocks. I love her deep feeling soul Music..I hope she never stops recording...

Just another Day

Thanks for the comments xxx

It started off with MIL Being Late (not her fault) but still a stuff up for me. Then when we got to the shop where we going to get my bday Present because it was jewelry and my husband prefers me to choose what I want as I always make him exchange when he buys it alone :P and the girl in the store was as rude as anything..and therefore missed out on a VERY expensive purchase as this was also going to be for the birth of my son piece of jewelry Like I did for our daughter I got a maternity/eternity ring. This was going to be symbolizing him. So end result I got nothing! I then feel like shit for being so ungrateful for a day or so afterwards , because A) My husband took the day off B) we sold our house ON MY BIRTHDAY and C) The Rep bought me a bottle of Veuve CLiquout - so then i feel like an ungrateful whiny cow and blah so on and son..

Because we were going to go to lunch as well, but due to the time that we got to leave the house and then the shops saga it just ended up being too late and just not worth it

BUT we did have a fantastic Takeaway from the local Italian and it was superb...So the night ended up being Great..

Yesterday was actually my Mothers Birthday as in my Adoptive Mothers birthday - that would another thing that causes issues on my bday because we always had a 'joint celebration' it was never just 'my' day. However mum died some years ago so obviously my birthday is now sad because she is no longer here :(

However yesterday turned into a fairly good day. I dropped my daughter off at my dads and took my son to the shops to the same jewelry store in a different location and they had a far bigger range but also they had the very same piece..So they got the $$$$

Then I went into a old fav mens shop of mine where I love getting my husband clothes from but havent for ages and bought him two fantastic shirts. I was really excited about that I would have loved to have got him this stunning Versace Shirt but it was $450 ! and i got two shirts for that price...and i just couldnt spend another $450 on one shirt...'maybe for his bday ?'

And I ordered my new Raz9

So all in all yesterday, considering everything was a fairly good day.

And we are at today, Sunday and I am just feeling very 'blah' not up not down just blah. The after affects of the huge emotional swing I get from the weeks leading up to my birthday..

I think I might go and do some rearranging, some cleaning - that always makes me feel better...

Its Official I HATE BIRTHDAYS - Well Mine

Every single Fucking year this happens to me.

Too much expectation ? I dont know but I am sick of it so guess what Im boycotting them from now on in.

Just one day in a whole fucking year I would like it to be special, about me...So That I dont feel so much like shit, as i inevitably do.

Today was one of the absolute worst ones

No more birthdays for me

Happy Birthday To Me

Well its here .. my birthday...I feel OK and the best thing is that once this day has passed I will start to feel better again..

I'm off out today with my husband so looking forward to that...........

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"I'm Adopted" Fuzzy Wuzzy 'ness'

Oh how I loathe saying that...I used to Love saying it, I was the center of attention, I was special , I was the Chosen one..I felt like a God in my warped mind that had been bombarded with all that fuzzy wuzzy ness that comes with being adopted..I know my parents meant well and to them I was chosen, I was special...
But here are a few little bits of my childhood and teenage memories...

Primary School - "I know why you were adopted - because your REAL parents didn't want you"

Oh yes thats really fuzzy wuzzy ness I think that traumatized me for a very long time and for memory I think my mother went to the school about it...

Teeange Years - From my SIL before she married my brother during one of our nasty fights - "When i marry your brother I will be more of a *insert surname* than you will ever be"

My Mum didn't speak to either of them for a year !

Yes such fuzzy wuzz ness there indeed......

And then of course there is going to the doctors , dentist or any other speciality field that requires family history..I remember going with my mother to the doctors and him saying to her 'is there any history of xyz in the family' and my mother saying 'Jane (not the name she said but my now name) is adopted

Dr: Oh I see

Me - yes more fuzzy wuzzys there ...like I've got some sort of disease or something

And then of course as i became older and went to the Dr myself I would get the standard 'any history of that in your family' ..
Me: " I dont know I'mAdopted"
Dr: Oh right that should have been noted on your file, as he then proceeds to write in LARGE BOLD LETTERS -

ADOPTED

Just to make sure no one misses that fact again
But of late of course with finding my biological family and my 'family history' from my 3 beautiful Aunties and one simply gorgeous cousin I now do have a family history and probably just as much as I do of my adoptive family's history..

Me: So I can say 'no' no history of that in the family dr BUT I am adopted....
Dr: Ah yes i noted that on your file
Me: And whilst I have found my Mother (who gave me up for adoption) side of the family I know ZERO About my Fathers (who knows absolutely nothing about me not that i even exist) side of his family because well my Mother (who gave me up for adoption) knows nothing about him either .....not even a name...sigh...

That brings me to another point..I was conceived out of love, just not love for the man who gave his sperm to fertilize me into life....But rather to the man before , my sisters father, who left my mother (who gave me up for adoption) and his daughter , my sister , to which my mother then went nutso, wild on a round of parties drinking and intercourse occured - it says so on my adoption papers that I received .

Now I know where i get it from *hmph* *sarcasm*

So in a round about way I was conceived out of love, (well i Can at least live with that delusion cant I?)

I think I'm going to be sick from all this fuzzy wuzzy ness..Oh NO that would actually be the bottle of wine that I consumed last night after I realized that I had rung my Sister instead of my Mother (who gave me up for adoption)
Its been absolutely ages since I have rung either of them well apart from Christmas night when I rang my Mother (who gave me up for adoption) which the conversation went like this

Me 'Hello its me "
Her" Sorry You've got the wrong number"
Me "No I havent its me I know its you"
Me "Its me Jane (not the name I used)"
Her "No I dont want to talk to you"

Now upon reflection maybe it was actually my sister ..bugger ...bugger..bugger...The damn numbers are so long and I have them in a little book that my daughter has removed pages from scribbled over etc..

Anyway Last night was a complete disaster and it definitely was my Sister and I screwed up big time..

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But my husband was grateful because we had 'reject sex'

I spoke for just absolutely ages to my two Aunties after my little faux pas and forgot to use the special code so probably cost me a gazillion..oh well..it is my birthday TOMMOROW - Blah - I always go through this crap at this time..
My sister probably is upset that i didn't 'actually' ring her..I feel so sorry for her. None of this is her fault either but she is hurting as well from all of this because of the memories awoken in her..I rang and left a message saying I was sorry and i sent a email..

I need to heal first with My Mother (who gave me up for adoption) but I had a very awakening conversation with my aunty last night..My mother (who gave me up for adoption) didnt want me, didnt care about me, wasn't one of those women who were coerced or me a scooped up baby during the years of the baby scoop era..she wanted to give me away........I told my Aunty but no thats just a veil of hurt she shrouds her self in, and my Aunty wanted me to understand because she doesnt want me to keep on trying to get through to my mother (who gave me up for adoption) only to keep being rejected and getting hurt..she wants me to stop living in a fairytale...And that in fact my mother (who gave me up for adoption) was just simply selfish

Ive got baby photos , how could ANYONE Want to give that dear sweet baby girl away, ESPECIALLY After being with her for SIX DAYS ????????????

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Oh God if only that were true (the above icon) That is how I WANT TO FEEL - Why cant I be cold as Ice like my Mother (who gave me up for adoption) and my Sister..Why cant I shut them both out of my heart like they have me out of theirs ?

And this is the FuzzyWuzzy ness of the mess of adoption -------

NOT

Call Me Naive

Okay so I am out looking around at blogs and one link leads to another to another as they always do on the WWW and i come across THIS - now I must be totally naive and stupid but what the hell is the $22 grand for plus the 4k ?
$26k And i presume thats USD ?.. So over 30K to 'adopt' a child oh sorry BUY a child

'shakes head and walks away from computer'

8.45pm and Tears are my Friend

What can I say ? But as I sit here I am sobbing my heart out, My children are in bed, my husband still at work..and not tomorrow but the next day is the day I was born to you..I dont think anyone will ever understand me, and sure i can read 'similar' stories on the www but no one is here for me holding my hand, taking away my hurt as I do with my children. Today was such a bad day and i turned my dad away as he arrived unexpectedly (he lives nearby, thought he was doing the right thing do help cut some boxes up) I snapped what are you doing here :( he said oh ok well I'll go..Its just that it was a bad day for me, I had been crying, I felt guilty for crying, guilty for the reason of it.
I feel uncomfortable talking about it with him. I don't know how he feels. Not really how he feels. He lost Mum over 7 years ago and I dont want to upset him. Thats how i feel.
But I did upset him, today, and I cant tell him why - isnt that pathetic :(

You know I don't care if anyone reads my blog or not, Ive decided...Because no matter what this is so cathartic for me, unbelievably so..

I hate my birthday maybe I will abolish it from next year on..

Oh and I have decided on better titles. What about ' The mother you were born to' Okay that is more long winded but it might be less offensive..but what about 'adoptee' I dont want to be a 'adoptee'

What a day. What a Week. Cant wait for it to be over

Todays Icon of Reflection

This is todays Icon of Reflection for me. Two days until my birthday and I can NOT believe how insensitive some people can be knowing how sensitive I am at this particular time - talking about my husband of course

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Damn Grateful and Damn Ungrateful

In my head I have all this 'stuff' for want of a better word that I want to get out, that I want to convey, but between nappy changes and being a restaurant 24x7 (feels like that , and told my daughter I am not that), I find it hard to sort out all my thoughts relevantly so I can sit down and put them down in the one space.
Blogging is most definitely helping, I already have a family blog, and that was good but not really serving the cathartic relief that i needed.
I Said to my husband the other day that he needs to understand me, needs to try harder to understan me, he retorted with "I've read the books, the articles, listened to what you have said and I cant get any more understanding of it" No one can unless they are you and have gone through that experience.
Maybe maybe not, I think he could get a better understanding if he tried harder. He's read Nancy Verriers books, Primal Wound and Coming home to self. He does have some understanding but i need him to have more...

Ive been looking around the various blogs again, from adoptees, Mothers of both sides ie the Mother who gave, or who was forced to give up their babies, and the Mother who adopted their babies...(There that was a good way to get around 'titles' wasnt it !) I am sick of reading about that - the whole titles war that is going on, whilst i understand it - see my posting here Titles, so I do understand it from one perspective , I am still having issues with the whole anger about it all over the www... Anyway I have digressed, as i was saying I have been reading all the various blogs, and my eyes have been opened up to adoption in a completely different and MAJOR Way, and not just from my little world of adoption....I mean up until recently , especially the past 10 years and more so the past couple of weeks, I have thought that i was start raving bonkers, I have had the lowest of low of self esteem within, althoughly outwardly I gravitate people to me who think me funny, attractive and great to be around initially until they get closer to me and then start to leave me which does nothing my self worth ...Well I used to think I was pathetic but each day now I am growing stronger and understanding that NO This isnt me, this is my fault, Its not my fault that i react with fear that people are going to leave me so I do things to test them and to push the boundaries thus ensuring that they fill my prophecy and leave me..

No its Not my fault...Its only my fault if now that i know this that I allow it to happen..People have often said I 'play the victim' 'poor me' 'woe is me' and I think to a extent its a very valid point because I have been a victim...note I said have and I refuse to allow that to continue..
I'm sure at times it will surface though because old habits are hard to break.

I was a Victim of Adoption, and whilst to some degree I will always be a Victim of Adoption, I refuse to allow the negative affects to pull me under and ruin the rest of my life. I've had enough guilt, and enough self loathing and enough self chastisement to last a lifetime, and considering that through all of that I still managed to come through it successfully and to go on to have my own children well I am very proud and I am very grateful.

I'm also grateful, given some of the postings on the www of blogging and other articles that I am who I am and that I was adopted by two wonderful human beings..I watched a UTUBE video today which was linked to a video about adoption on a blog and then there was *other videos* underneath and it was of a Mexican Maid abusing a baby....I just cried and turned it off half way through....there was other utube videos of child abuse but rather than torment myself I just clicked the X Button on my browser...I read a bloggers comments about some adoptees who do not feel the same way as we do, ie the ones who say they have no interest in their previous life past and no adoption does not upset them and no adoption is not damaging etc..she made the comment about how they must be colder, harder with less capacity for emotions...and I truly believe it.
I am a emotional Freak ! I feel love like its a never ending well, I frighten people off with my all consuming love, once I love you I never let you go...and i find it extremely difficult to be 'let go of'
I have some scars on my left wrist to prove it. Fuelled by alcohol some 12 years back..It wasnt to "do myself in' and it wasnt 'cutting' it was just the pain of that moment the absolute torment and no where to go, no one to understand me at that precise time and moment of the loss i felt from being 'let go of'...I eventually did move on and marry someone else - my husband but I still bare those two scars on my left wrist..

Reading one of my 'now' favourite sites Trackers UK Tracker I am extremely grateful in the fact that I did not become one of these statistics The Babies and Children Britain didn't want - I mean maybe i was to some degree, after all my parents were nice white respectable parents of 2boys who desperately wanted a girl, (I'm not 100% sure but i have vague memories of my mother telling me that they had turned down their first offered baby - lucky me - i guess - right ? certainly in how my life turned out YES very lucky me)
But at least my Mother who gave birth to me and then gave me up for adoption, wasn't in one of those 'homes for unwed mothers' and the adoption wasnt surrounded in lies and original birth certificates altered..So really i should be very grateful...

But still I am at times very ungrateful..because i feel robbed, I feel cheated, and i feel fucking hurt :( I really do. It absolutely hurts it hurts me to my very core that I am the way I am because of who I am and how I came to be who I am. I was with my mother who gave me up for adoption for SIX DAYS 6 Days, I would have formed a huge bond with her and not just the inutero one but 6 days SIX days of bonding with her, and I wonder if she breast fed me for those 6 days. I wonder if she kissed my cheeks and felt my warm breath on her face..I will never understand this never
I Feel such a huge loss, I still feel like a little baby crying for her mother...

I just wrote a email to the Place that handled my adoption..and then on there, there was a link to the GRO General Regsitry Office and then the Adoption Contacts Register and OMG..

As from 30 December 2005 the Adoption Contact Register will include the facility to not only request contact but also specify no contact.

Thank god I did my search in 1997..Another Grateful thing :P

Adopted and Blogging ?

Are you adopted ? Do you Blog

Well Send me your Link to your Blog and I will Start a list of Adoptee Bloggers, and maybe if you feel so inclined you could add me to your Blog..:)

Icons of Reflection

Just a Few Random Icons that Reflect My feelings atm.....
Yep I'm going to Blog A Icon a day..well thats the goal :)

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Clarifications, Adoptive Parents and Thoughts

I have been looking around the www of blogging and have been taking note of adoption blogs. There are a number of adoption blogs, some are about being adopted and some are about adopting a child. And as I looked through some of the ones that relate to adopting a child it struck me that those people who do in fact adopt a child might look upon my blog and want to slap me.
They may indeed be really angry , in fact really pissed off. They might take it personally and they might say how can i write such things. And they might undoubtedly feel hurt. Because they are about to adopt , or have adopted a baby or child...

And to them I say don't take it personally. Look I feel very grateful on so many levels because without being given up for adoption and without my parents bringing me from the UK to Australia I would never have met my husband (well highly probably not but given how small this planet really is you never know) and therefore I would never have had my two beautiful children....I would never have the things I have , i would never have had the education I have had and I never would have been raised in the most beautiful country Australia.

But my birth mothers life is in ruins, I have some serious *issues* and I have a sister who also now has issues, more issues as she already had issues due to how she was raised and again that was because of the trauma my birth mother went through giving me up. I dont believe she has ever forgiven herself.

And what upsets me isn't that she gave me away I really do understand why, what upsets me is that 10 years ago I reached out to her and here we are ten years later and with the entire family knowing including her own mother and she still can not open her arms to me , open her heart to me, open her eyes and see what is being offered

The Chance To Heal

And she could at least be on the path to healing even if she never actually can heal, I'm sure that reuniting with me would give her a better chance than not

So when i see beautiful blogs of Forever Families and the beautiful children that have been adopted and welcomed into your hearts and homes, I do tear up because I do think its a wonderful thing to give a child HOPE, LOVE And a FAMILY and it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy when I read the Adoption of a Child Blogs....
So I am not taking anything away from you...I am merely writing about adoption from My perspective...
And I don't even know that I am convinced that adoption should not exist as I have seen mentioned that some people want adoption abolished...I think that could present a whole new raft of problems including a increase of abortions, a increase of child abuse and various other issues that we may not even fully understand yet..

What I do think is there needs to be a complete overhaul of the adoption System. There needs to be better and MORE Support to Pregnant Women, single or partnered.

There needs to be more counseling to pregnant women contemplating adoption for their baby.

I also think there needs to be in place counseling for Adoptive Parents and the Adopted Child.
I think that just as its mandatory that you have counseling from a adoption agency counsellor when you request adoption records, I think it should be mandatory that counseling is given when the child is of a age to understand.
Adoptive parents are most of the time to caught up in their own emotions to understand the complex *primal wound* that does exist for the adopted child
Adoptive parents will always have a little part of them that will be worried that the adopted child will be more drawn to their own biological mother.
Some will not tell the child they are adopted, some will tell the child but not go into detail, some will not want to discuss it, some will not want to encourage the child to know its biological family.

Its understandable from the adoptive parents side, After all they are the ones who have invested their Heart into the Child. They want to protect their heart from breaking as well as the childs.

Adoption is a Mess. Thats just the facts. Doesnt matter how its sugar coated, at some stage it causes problems for someone in the Adoption Circle. - I know its called Adoption Triangle but i see it as circle, as it does eventually in *many* cases go full circle, and its not just three sides , of adoptee, adoptive parent and birth parent, there are also siblings and extended family.

One thing I absolutely do want to see abolished, and far greater JAIL Terms given is the Black Market Baby Trade.

ABSOLUTE FILTH

Is my opinion on this diabolical trade. And the fact that it goes on today that peoples Greed is far greater than that of a human life is disgusting. I don't believe in the Death penalty but frankly if I did then I'd say shoot em !

But anyway I just wanted to clarify a little for those out there contemplating adoption , in the process of adoption or already adopted, don't take my blog to heart personally ..IT ISN'T About making you feel bad, its about my ramblings for me , its about therapy for me. It's about getting the message out there for people to understand that YES whilst Adoption can be a wonderful thing there IS a huge negative side to it.

Blogging Fun

Well today apart from the usual mundane aspect of my life, cleaning , cooking and all my other daily chores..when did i become a maid ? Oh thats right when I became a wife and a mother... :P Which I totally enjoy, being a wife and a mother, but only wish that sometimes I could be me....So today I say....

Glitter Generators


I've had a great day blogging , well getting widgets for my blog, check out my Lyrics Box , I thought that this song from one of my absolute FAVE Bands Snow Patrol, is so appropriate for my relationship with my Birth Mother and for other fellow adoptees..

Very short blog today as we got a ridiculous offer on our house that we have up for sale and now I am really pissed off !
I want to try and work out putting music into my blog so thats my project for tomorrow

Sunday A Day Of............

Not a lot really..Checked on my blog, had a read of a few adopted forums, The usual Sunday morning stuff with the other house..But then YAY excitement went off to a Scrapbooking Store and Office Works..Needed to get 2 things but got about 20..Was gone about 3hrs..
Tis been a been a bit stressful on the home front today I just don't get why I am the SOLE person who can do anything ? Why is it that I am the only one who can do anything ?
I hate going out because I come home to kaos. I need control and order - another little gem left to me from being adopted. Have to completely control my life and everyone elses so I can actually exist and function.

Oh and of course its now only 5 more sleeps and it will be my birthday - boohoo - I wonder if my Birth Mother will think of me ? I wonder if my Mum in Heaven will be looking down wishing me a Happy Birthday

My poor Dear Sweet Mum, ok yeah she was a control freak too (and no she wasnt adopted) just terrified of losing me. You see her Best friend adopted a baby and the birth mother has a set period of time in which she can change her mind in the UK and guess what ? my mums best friends adopted daughters Birth mother DID Change her mind !

WTF did I do in those 6 days that My birth mother had me to turn her off me. Fuck I remember when I had babies I was so soooooooooooooooo in love with them. With my son I actually had NO Sleep for 4 days NONE My husband was taking care of our daughter along with my MIL so he could visit me and our son. But basically I had zero sleep but STILL I loved him heart and soul..Oh and I had gender disappointment when I was Pregnant with my son...Yep I had it REALLY REALLY badly..But still the minute he was placed upon my bosom, and from that minute on I was in love with him FOREVER

So how do you go 6 days with a baby and just say Nah I wont cope with two.....this one has to go!!

Anyway My Mum in Heaven My adoptive mother she never even got the chance to see me Marry or either of her grandchildren. But my Birth mother well she has every opportunity AND my son is her FIRST And ONLY Grandson

PATHETIC. When you think about it ! I mean the Entire family know about me including her mother who sent me a Christmas Card signed LOVE NANNY and yet she still refuses to have anything to do with me as does my sister

I DON'T Get it

I just DON'T Get it..

Anyway that was my Sunday - I enjoyed being out for the 3hrs spending $$$ being alone with my thoughts....

Titles

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Over the past few weeks I have been gazing upon Adoption Forums where other people touched by adoption (in any form be it adoptee, adopter or the mother that gave up the child for adoption or siblings or relatives etc) and suddenly out of the blue I find that the words Birth Mother Biological Mother are offensive.

Since when ?

I have always referred to my mother who gave me up for adoption (see how long winded that would be to write all the time !) as my birth mother or biological mother and now I find that the mothers whose children were given up for adoption are outraged and indeed there are even boards where the words are forbidden !

Now from a point of view from a mother that was coerced, forced, had no say in the matter, then yes I completely understand why they would be pissed. But for the mother who sat there as mine did and calmly said

Because she should have both a mother and a father and a good home , both of which I cannot give her

as the reason for giving me up then um yes she was my birth mother. Exactly WHERE was she my First Mother ?

And what about MY label of "adoptee" I mean seriously how is that any more respectful ?

Maybe she was my First Mother ...after all she was with me for 6 days in the hospital before I was placed with a Foster Mother for SIX WEEKS until I was *given* to my adoptive parents

So what does that make my Adoptive Mother ? my Third Mother ??

Whilst I understand, as I said of those women who were coerced,forced, had horrible things done to them like being told their baby was dead after birth, hating the word birth mother , that is after all what My mother did she gave birth to me and after 6 days she handed me over.

So why should I call her anything BUT Birth Mother ? Natural Mother ? - I don't think so :( there wasn't anything "natural" about giving me away ...
I gave birth to both my children and I am their birth mother , their biological mother, the only difference is I am their ONLY Mother

I think people need to relax about what some adoptees call their Birth/First/Natural/Biological Mothers and let them be, and let them call them whatever they want.

Welcome to My World

I'm Jane, Well that was my birth name , the name given to me by my birth mother, but not my name now, although it is my second name because my adopted parents graciously left a little part of who I was at birth in my identity. The only part of my identity that I was actually left with.
Have you guessed yet? yes I'm adotped oh grief another adopted persons blog ah well get over it I've had to for my entire 40 years..Had to *get over it* Well I'm NOT over it and I wont be *getting over it*
Next week is my birthday Yep the day I was born, I guess I should be grateful ? grateful that I was actually born...I mean she could have aborted me right ? So yeah I'm grateful that I am here, that I now have two beautiful children that I gave birth to. Could have almost been full circle if the 2cnd had been a girl. Thats right I have a sister too..A Older sister - the one that was kept.
The one I never knew about until past my 30th birthday..
My entire 30 years I had yearned for a sister dreamed about a sister....and that is because I am convinced that in my primal self I knew that I had a sister. But everyone just decided that wasnt important, it didnt matter that I would be wrenched away from her
Anyway I have digressed on to a few different areas there.
This is just a brief intro to me and I will get further into these various areas as time progresses

This is from the Free Dictionary by Farlex that I came upon today - the word Hugger - Mugger

hug·ger-mug·ger (hgr-mgr)

n.

1. Disorderly confusion; muddle.

2. Secrecy; concealment.

adj.

1. Disorderly; jumbled.

2. Secret; clandestine.

v. hug·ger-mug·gered, hug·ger-mug·ger·ing, hug·ger-mug·gers

v.tr.

To keep secret; conceal.

v.intr.

To act in a secretive manner.

And here is the definition for Adoption

a·dopt (-dpt)

tr.v. a·dopt·ed, a·dopt·ing, a·dopts

1. To take into one's family through legal means and raise as one's own child.

2.

a. To take and follow (a course of action, for example) by choice or assent: adopt a new technique.

b. To take up and make one's own: adopt a new idea.

3. To take on or assume: adopted an air of importance.

4. To vote to accept: adopt a resolution.

5. To choose as standard or required in a course: adopt a new line of English textbooks.

---

[Middle English adopten, from Old French adopter, from Latin adoptre : ad-, ad- + optre, to choose.]

---

a·dopta·bili·ty n.

a·dopta·ble adj.

a·dopter n.

a·doption n.

Usage Note: Children are adopted by parents, and one normally refers to an adopted child but to adoptive parents, families, and homes. When describing places, one can use either adopted or adoptive: She enjoys living in her adopted country. Detroit is their adoptive city.

I'm a Adopted Hugger Mugger ! Interesting considering how many babies and children are adopted and how much adoption is in our lives that under a dictionary meaning there is just one solitary little line to it .. But yet it means so many other things..

Geeze we cant even have the word just to ourselves !


Well this is just a starting block post for me and I am sure once I become more familiar with blogging I will be blogging daily about the life of Adopted Jane.. but for now for all those wonderful adoptees out there struggling with your identity, who may be *hugger-muggered* take heart you are not alone in this world after all ;) there are many other hugger muggers who feel the same way as you do.........

What you need to know

This policy of mine is valid from 25 May 2008

This blog is a personal blog written and edited by me. For questions about this blog, please contact Jane through the Mail Box Gif.

As my personal Blog, I will also sometimes accept compensation and even though I might provide an opinion on stuff and get some form of compensation for that, it will always be my opinion and an honest one at that.
All opinions will be purely my own and doesnt mean that I in any way know everything about it and therefore you should always like everything in this life go and check it out yourself.

There is no conflict on this blog to do with anything else