I'm Drowning

I haven't written so long about my own personal feelings. But tonight I received a email from one of my *American* relatives of Irish Descent, same surname (as in birth surname) who writes to me every now and then he is like a 2cnd cousin twice removed
His Grandfather had a brother who had a son who was his dads first cousin who had a large family which included my grandfather..
But anyway we are connected in some eerie ways as well as blood!
So He has done a massive project, I've seen it before and now I have been added but with far more detail...You see everyone acknowledges that I am a part of the family, all but my mother. Even my Grandmother and i have spoken on the telephone.
I am also not the first adoption either. My Grandmothers Sister gave up her child and the child was welcomed back into the fold.
But my Mother and Sister will not.

I do not understand it.

Its so hard being a gazillion miles away. I can not just up and pack up and travel. I am not a very good traveler on airplanes as is but to take a baby and young child without my husband would kill me. HE due to the nature of his job could not take more than 4 weeks leave. And tell me what is the point of traveling to the other side of the world for 4 weeks. Yes I know to meet my mother and sister. But 4 weeks is not enough to be with ALL my family that are spread across England. But besides all that, if she said YES I am dying to meet you I WOULD Be on a plane Tomorrow - but she is not. I could not put my children through all that (and me!!!) and only to be rejected. You might as well hand me the razor blades there and then ! :( :( :(
So I wait.
But maybe one day when my youngest is of a age that i can leave him so what maybe 10 years away :( sigh
No I WILL go before that.

Karma

Do you believe in it ?

Curses

Do you believe in them ?

Visualization

Do you believe in it?

I do in all three, eek OMG three AGAIN. Anyone who reads my blog regularly will know how I feel about the number 3

I have a beautiful Daughter, I was late in life to be married (due to all my adoption issues i feel sure) and then to have our daughter..In amongst all that my Mother died of Cancer (my Adoptive Mother) I never had anyone close die before, this was the most awful, hardest thing, soul destroying thing that I have ever had happen to me. This protector, this person who loved me more than anything, this woman who ostracized her own biological son for a year, because of what his wife to be said to me, This woman who protected me fiercely laid out in the hospice bed before me - gasping her final breaths with what I later learned was called the Death Rattle.

That sound that I will NEVER Forget.

And who was holding her hand and RIGHT BESIDE HER as she drew her last breath and the Nurse said "she's passed"

With my Dad on the other side of her

And who chose this song for her....ME....I chose this to be played at her funeral as people came in...but the Undertakers used it at her private viewing as well.

I haven't listened to this song for many many years because its too triggering but in getting it sourced for this post I did. And I have sat here sobbing my heart out, tears racking my body remembering my Mother at the viewing of her, remembering the clothes , jewelry and makeup that I picked out for her to be cremated in. Remembering her lying their with such a clown face smile that THEY painted on, I know they did their best, and I know she looked better than when she died, but some how that gave me false hope seeing her all made up like that, and thinking of someone touching her face, her body, thinking of her lying their in some morticians slab, cold , alone and claustrophobic ( because she was)

As I write this, I cam sobbing my heart out, yelling out inside I WANT MY MUMMY , Why ? Why does she have to be dead ? Its so fucking unfair. She loved me SO SO MUCH and I HER, but she had to Die a HORRIBLE DEATH And yet I Am left with a Mother that is still alive a billion miles away from me (might as well be) who wants nothing to do with me

WHERE IS THE FUCKING JUSTICE IN THAT ? and you wonder WHY I write about adoption as I do.

ADOPTION IS FUCKED

NO ONE Can understand the pain of an adoptee, sometimes even other adoptees have trouble understanding.

Do you know that I piss every single fucking person off that I meet or encounter in some way. It doesnt matter what I do, someone gets upset with me.

But do you know what ? I have seen the SAME Thing happen to Non Adopted people or Adoptees that are not so *heart wearing on their sleeve types* and that is the BIG ....HUGE.... Difference.

You see I take EVERYTHING personally. IF you dont call me, if you don't write me straight away then OMG what have I don't wrong, and so I will contact you and ask, and you will say nothing, Ive been busy, BUT you see then I cant believe you, because its not you ITS ME, I am not good enough for anyone

Despite the fact that I draw people to me like magnets initially, But after hello and a little more conversation sooner or later they will leave, so lets make sure they do straight away (Cause it will hurt LESS) I don't do it consciously but I do it all the same.

And you know what ? I'm RIGHT. I'm always right. Very few stick around. I have the ODD friend and of course My husband , but he often will say in the heat of the moment "how no one will put up with me"

I don't know how to stop it. Its like I am in Quicksand and as I get older I get worse and worse and WORSE.
Before I started searching Before I found my Mother and older sister, I used to annoy a few people sure but I was full of confidence and Hope. Now Its almost like I feel I don't deserve to exist.

I'm a really Loving and good person, I would do anything for anyone. But it almost seems like I am invisible. I can do the same thing as someone else and whilst they get medals and accolades I barely get acknowledged. I don't do things for the medals and accolades intentionally but I get so hurt when I am overlooked.

The worst thing is that I have this deep need to explain myself all the time, when someone doesn't understand what I meant or did, I have to MAKE Them understand - I don't know why but it devastates me if they take it the wrong way.

It just always seems that I have a problem, a drama.


My Mum has been gone 8 years in just over 7 weeks.




I wonder whether this song of Sarah's had more significance than I first thought. I picked this song because it seemed right for my how I felt about my Mum...being with the angels...and how much this song made me twist inside, haunting me, and the depths of my sadness about my Mum. But then as I listened to this song again for the first time in a very long time, because up until today whenever it came on the radio I SHUT IT OFF straight away, and oh my god after my Mum died it was on the radio ALL THE TIME,,,I remember being curled up in a ball one night playing it over over and over and OVER on the Funeral CD , smoking and drinking ( before I had children of course) crying......NO.......it was sobbing, just twisting in the depth of heartache at the loss of my mum...but.... I wonder.....I wonder......I really wonder if this song didn't pick me, not only for how I felt about my Mums passing, her death, but for my own life, as i look over these words tonight and it speaks volumes to me about how I FEEL now about my life and my birth Mother.....Fuck even in death adoption takes over.......

I have a gorgeous son.

I have NEVER understood how my Mother could abandon her child as she did me. She had already given birth to one baby and was raising her, how could she give away another knowing how amazingly they grow. ? How could she ? Before I knew that I had a a sister a OLDER Sister, found out when I was in my early 30's not long before my Adoptive Mother died....I had the fairytale in my head of a young 16 year old FORCED To give me up by her parents. Imagine my heartache when I found out that not only was she 23 years of age but that I in fact was her 2cnd baby and NO ONE had forced her to give me away. I was in fact the product of a heart broken by a man (my sisters father) resulting in her screwing around - oh yeah I could be the by product of TWO MEN. Imagine finding that out as a 41 year old.

All my romantic dreams of any little bits that I still held on to dashed...And then accompanied by the fact that my Parents kept that fact that I had a sister from me my entire life and even when asked about it denied it. Until this year I received the letter that they received outlining my Mothers background including the 2.5 year old daughter she ALREADY had.

There is not one person in this entire world that has not lied to me. NOT ONE

Gee I wonder why I have trust issues.

So The Karma part....

Well you see I asked for a baby girl, and I got one. Some time later I wanted to have another baby, because I NEVER Wanted my baby girl to be alone in this world like I am...So at 39 I conceived my 2cnd child, Again I was hoping for a girl, Because after all this 2cnd girl would be *Me* wouldn't it.. My mother had two girls and gave away the 2cnd girl...So I could duplicate life and *keep* Me.........but troubled pregnancy, and having to have a CVS, and then the news "ITS A BOY" soon put an end to that fantasy...and then ........Gender Disappointment set in..What ? I had not even heard of that before...but now I had it, in amongst the major falls I was having due to the position of where the baby was lying causing me huge problems.....

But then...OMG...He was born and OMG I was so in love ( still am) what an amazement this little boy is, all my fears of *eek* what will I do with a boy, all gone....

BUT..and here is the Karma part...As I said earlier, how could she give away a 2cnd child HOW HARD can it be to raise TWO Children together...???

But now here I am, 41 with a girl and a full on boy, married, but to a husband who works long hours, and I have no support....

And Now I KNOW how hard two babies even Two GIRLS would be for a 23 year old with no husband, who had to work, with no support system...

So is this why ? why I am being so struck by life going the wrong way ? Is this Karma ?

I don't understand :( Just because I questioned it to myself how she could give me away, I have never done it to her, why is it all so hard on me.

I really Miss my Mum...My Adoptive Mum, She loved me every single part of me.

I FUCKING HATE ADOPTION

As I have said so many times it should only be for orphans or abused children. What happened to my first / birth mother should NEVER have been allowed to happen.